I think I’ve alluded to the fact that one of my bad habits is writing attention-seeking, drama queening comments on Hevria.com. I don’t know why, probably a combination of the fact that they turned me down when I wanted to be one of their regular writers and the fact that I like the people there a lot and would love to be their friend (I sort of am internet friends with some of them), and I don’t have a clue how to communicate with people I like (see: borderline Asperger’s again), particularly when we have differences as well as similarities and particularly when I admire them to the point of envy (please God don’t let them read this. Or maybe they should, what do I know?). Anyway, this is what I want to write right now. I haven’t written it there, so maybe I’m getting better, but I’ve written it here, so maybe not:
I’m sorry that I wrote these comments. I really want to hurt myself right now. REALLY hurt myself. With blood and pain and screaming. Because I deserve it. Because I want to feel that I’m alive. Because I hate myself. Because I want to stop the self-hating voices in my head and only physical pain stops emotional pain. I love all of you and I’m very sorry. Really I am. I’m sorry I’ve ruined your lovely site.
I write this as a sort of time capsule or snapshot of my mind. Maybe one day I will look back on things like this and they won’t seem a part of me any more. Maybe one day I will have real-life friends and relationships instead of one-sided online “friendships”.
Also, I can see that the italicized words in this post are more emotional than the other paragraphs. Stylistically, they are different. The other paragraphs are more objective than the italicized ones. Sometimes I can step outside myself and look back at what is going on in my head and diagnose it and see the childhood and adolescent experiences it is rooted in and understand what I have to do to move on. But it doesn’t stop the pain. It never stops the pain.