I’m just back from a run. I had music going, but I spent most of the time brooding on loneliness. I think I’m angsting about being lonely to avoid angsting about Pesach (Passover), which is one week away and I still have some big questions that I can’t get hold of a rabbi to ask.
I have a post about loneliness out on Hevria.com tomorrow, so I don’t want to go into this too much (anyway, someone told me this week that I write too much about how depressed I am…). I don’t want to fall into the trap of saying, “If I have X, I will be happy” because usually if you aren’t happy without X, you won’t be happy with it. You need to be happy in yourself and I am very much not happy in myself. Still, IF I ever manage to be happy in myself, I think I would still want the following to live a happy and fulfilled life:
one wife who loves me and who is willing to let me love her;
two good friends who I can talk to about my geeky and cultural interests and about Jewish things (probably some overlap here with my wife, who I would want to be my best friend, but I’m assuming that, given that the number of single frum geeky women (worldwide, let alone in the UK) is vanishingly small, it’s best not to assume my wife will share many or even any of my outside interests);
three happy, healthy children.
Add in my parents and my sister and I think I only need a total of nine people close to me in my life, which is not very many. I’ve largely given up on being accepted into a wider community, religious or geeky. Throw in a reasonably engaging job that earns me enough money to support the wife and kids with a small amount over for occasional luxuries and also some joy and meaning in my religious life, which lately (lately? For years) has been lacking both and that’s basically all I want out of life. It doesn’t seem much to ask, but so far it is proved completely beyond my reach. The problem is, I do not have a clue how to set realistic targets to reach it. I have poor social skills (the borderline Asperger’s and borderline social anxiety cause problems here) and am very bad at talking to people, particularly to strangers. I don’t know how to make friends at all, let alone to find a wife.