“Get thee to a nunnery. Why wouldst thou be a breeder of sinners? I am myself indifferent honest, but yet I could accuse me of such things that it were better my mother had not borne me. I am very proud, revengeful, ambitious, with more offences at my beck than I have thoughts to put them in, imagination to give them shape, or time to act them in. What should such fellows as I do crawling between earth and heaven? We are arrant knaves, all. Believe none of us. Go thy ways to a nunnery.” – Hamlet William Shakespeare
I threw myself into work today and the depressive and anxious thoughts went away for a while, but they returned on the commute home. There is a realization that my sister’s wedding will involve parties and crowds, ones that I won’t be able to get out of, and probably starting very soon (I suspect there will be an engagement party soon). On the plus side, my parents finally get to throw a party after attending so many of their friends’ children’s weddings (and, as I mentioned yesterday, there is the hope that they might finally have grandchildren). On the downside, I hate crowds and parties. I think the one good thing about not getting married is not needing to have a wedding party. And my sister’s party won’t even have the advantage of being my party. I will be anonymous (what role is there for the bride’s elder brother?). I might as well not be there, except that if I really wasn’t there, people would notice and comment (if I had time and the inclination I could write about my attempts to abscond from my bar mitzvah party and my sister’s bat mitzvah party).
But mainly it’s loneliness and anxiety about dating that has been troubling me. I was speculating again on why women are unwilling to go out with me. Most won’t date me at all, those that do date me generally won’t go past a second date. Is it my looks? I’m under no illusions, I know I’m not particularly good looking (a therapist said I was good looking a while back; I wasn’t sure how to take that because it didn’t seem to be true). Is it my weird interests that almost no one I’ve tried to date shares? Or my mental health issues? Possibly a combination of the last two, bearing in mind that the only person I have had a relationship with was a fellow Doctor Who fan and that she used to ignore me when my depression was bad (presumably because she couldn’t be bothered with it or just didn’t know what to say – I thought this was my paranoia, but she admitted to me that she was doing it). One woman refused to date me apparently in part because I haven’t been to yeshiva, which makes me fear that anyone frum enough for me to date is going to refuse me for the same reason.
Or maybe it’s something else entirely. I wonder if there are whole vistas of off-putting inadequacy in my personality that I haven’t discovered yet. I don’t think I really know why anyone refused to date me. No one ever gave me a real answer and I didn’t like to press the question, having learnt early on that you can’t reason someone into liking you or dating you. They either like you or they don’t and that’s an end of it. Similarly, I never really found out why I got turned down for a regular writing slot on Hevria.com and I think the people who run it have forgotten now. I was just told I didn’t fit in the direction they wanted to take the site, which I guess is the equivalent of, “It’s not you, it’s me” (translation, “It’s you.”).
[See also daily record]