“Some kind of solitude is measured out in you./You think you know me, but you haven’t got a clue.” – Hey Bulldog, The Beatles
My cold continues to persist (or persists in continuing), but I feel a lot better. I feel better moodwise too, although I still brood on whether I will get married and generally feel I won’t. I’m more accepting of my sister’s marriage, but I’m developing another crush that won’t work out, so the less said about that the better. I hate the fact that I move from crush to crush without ever developing a real relationship (OK, once I managed that) and usually without even getting a date out of it. It all feels so superficial and adolescent, a way of life that I should have moved on from years ago. I want to develop meaningful relationships, but I can’t. I was thinking yesterday that I actually have quite a developed personality, in terms of emotional maturity, wide interests and interesting views on a number of topics, but I don’t have anyone to share them with. To be honest, today I feel a lot less positive about myself, but I still feel desperately alone. I don’t just mean romantic relationships either; a couple of people tried talking to me at shul (synagogue) over Shabbat (the Sabbath), but I was too shy and nervous to respond particularly coherently. I did at least answer a couple of questions at the shiur (religious class), albeit shyly and quietly and after letting several questions I knew the answer to go.
I’ve been trying to be more creative, starting to write mini sagas (fifty word stories) with a view to sending them to Hevria.com. Normally with creativity I lose my nerve part-way through and give up on what I’m writing, convinced that it’s awful or I just run out of imagination and enthusiasm, but mini sagas seem to be short enough to carry me through them to completion. I am also still carrying on with my Doctor Who book, both watching episodes (the title of this post marks my progress towards the end of sixties Who), redrafting the existing essays that will form the bulk of the book and looking into secondary material, although I’m not sure how much of that will be utilized in the end. It’s going to take me a long time though. Even just looking at television episodes without the spin-offs, not to mention the enormous secondary literature, Doctor Who is big. Really big. According to Wikipedia (I was too lazy to count) it’s 833 episodes* as of yesterday (with seven more due this year) comprising 270 stories** and 36 seasons. I’m up to season six, story 50, episode 243 and it’s taken me about six months to get this far…
* Episodes vary in length, but original series episodes are usually about 25 minutes; new series episodes are usually 45 to 50 minutes.
** Although counting stories in the new series, with individual episode titles, but no overall story titles can be hard. Is Utopia part of The Sound of Drums/Last of the Time Lords? What about Face the Raven, Heaven Sent and Hell Bent – one, two or three stories? And let’s not get started on the “Is Shada canon, and if so which version?” debate.