I feel very depressed today and I’m not really sure why. I slept in, but woke depressed and tired. Aside from therapy over Skype, I’ve largely spent the day pottering about in my room/flat (my flat is really one small room with an attached tiny kitchenette and equally tiny bathroom) and trying not to comfort eat (not usually a problem for me, but it has been lately – perhaps because my current antidepressants are linked to carbohydrate craving and weight gain). I’m reluctant to say too much, as I fear I have said too much here recently; I went back and heavily edited a post that said too much about a third party. But I suspect part of it is because my sister has booked the hall for her wedding in December now. It all seems very real, and I seem more alone and unloveable than ever.
I have made good progress with my depression and OCD in recent months, but I think there is one last knot in my mind that needs to be undone. I am still being held back by fear of what other people will think of me. This stops me from writing, from trying to make friends and from dating, although paradoxically with dating my sense of honesty tends to prompt me to reveal my mental health issues too early on as well. I’m not sure if I’m more scared of criticism or praise, acceptance or rejection. Both are pretty overwhelming.
Then (oh dear) I got really agitated and depressed and wrote a long stupid comment on Hevria.com. Then I felt bad for writing it, but wanted to leave it because I felt I wanted someone to tell me if there’s something wrong with me (like mania), so I wrote a long introduction apologizing for writing it and saying I was going to delete it, but I wanted to leave it there so someone can tell me if I’m going crazy, but that the moderators should feel free to delete it if they want to. I haven’t done something crazy like that for a while, and certainly I have never been climbing on people’s walls as I was doing on the way home today.
EDIT: I’ve now deleted the comment because I’ve calmed down and I’m probably not really manic (I’ve been told repeatedly I don’t have bipolar disorder). I’ve saved a copy on my laptop just in case, though.