I haven’t written much lately (again).  To tell the truth, I have been very busy, fortunately in a good way.  But it has been hard to find the time to write.  I wrote the first part of this at work during my lunch break.  Also, a couple of good or potentially good things have happened, but I am reluctant to write about them until they are more certain, partly out of a vaguely superstitious fear that if I write about them, they will go wrong, partly out of a fear that if they do go wrong or fail to materialize, then I will have to come back here and tell everyone about the failure when I will just want to move on.

I have managed to do a few social things lately.  The assistant rabbi at the shul (synagogue) I am a member of invited me for Shabbat (Sabbath) dinner last week, which I went to.  There were a couple of people I didn’t know there, but I was able to join in with the conversation, at least after an initial period of shyness.  The next day I went to a shul I had never been to before for my Talmud class teacher’s son’s bar mitzvah and then on to his house for kiddush (refreshments) afterwards.  To be honest, I didn’t enjoy it much.  I overslept and got to shul late, which didn’t help, but it was more Charedi (ultra-Orthodox) than I feel comfortable with and I could not understand all of the sermon, as a lot of untranslated Hebrew and Yiddish was being used.  I felt a bit of a fish out of water.  The food at the kiddush was good, but it was completely packed with people in a tiny room.  I only stayed for about ten minutes, but I was glad I went as I think I was the only person from the class to go to the shul and only one other person from the class went to the kiddush.

I gave a short talk about my depression and how I have coped with it at my depression group, part of an evening in which several of us were asked to speak in more detail than we usually do at these evenings.  I think it went well, but I shook quite a bit, especially during the questions and answers.  I was not really expecting Q and A, certainly not so many questions.  I didn’t think people would be that interested in what I had to say!  I am not sure where this shaking has suddenly come from.  I suspect it’s a medication issue.  In the past it has usually been from olanzapine, but it may be the clomipramine, in which case I’m really stuck as I’m doing too well on the clomipramine to come off it.  It is not too bad at the moment and I don’t seem to be catastrophizing it the way I have in the past, when I assumed everyone around me was aware of it and thinking critical or worried thoughts about me.

I had a meeting with my boss this afternoon to finish off induction things from two months ago (I actually still have some training to go to at the end of the month before I am fully past the induction (fully induced?) and to look at my progress, as well as outlining the extra work I will have come September, which will involve liaising with academic staff to check our library content is relevant and then buying new books, which I will then have to catalogue.  This will be the first time I get to buy things at work!  My boss is pleased with my work and didn’t really have a lot to say in terms of things I could be doing better, which is good.

I have now been reasonably well for about six months, so in a few weeks, all being well, I will have been mentally healthy for the longest period in over fourteen years, although I am still a little worried about how I will cope with the winter, which is traditionally when my depression sets in.  I guess time will tell.

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