It’s funny, when I started writing this blog, I expected to be writing little essays on Judaism and mental health. The way it has turned out, I’m writing more of a journal of my feelings of depression, OCD, anxiety and borderline Asperger’s while in recovery. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, it just doesn’t really fit the image I had of myself and my writing style. Of course, that’s partly because the “essay writing” side of my brain has been occupied working on my Doctor Who non-fiction book and I have generally been busy with and tired from my new job. I don’t seem to have many readers (so far as I can tell from page views, likes and followers), but I think I’m OK with that. I’m really bad at the marketing/SEO side of blogging and neither of my previous blogs had many readers (although if anyone wants to link to me on their own blogs, I won’t say no!). I used to worry about that more; here I think I’m glad I have half a dozen or maybe a dozen readers who seem to read most of what I write and get something out of it, even if I do wonder what people find to enjoy in my ramblings about life, mental health and working in a library (I now have the official title of “Assistant Librarian (Collection Managment)” which sounds very formal and important!).
Anyway, today is another lethargic day, but not really depressed emotionally. I feel OK, I just haven’t got the energy to do anything. I think I’m still recovering from the week, so I’m awarding myself another quiet day and not going for a run, as I would normally try to do on a Friday. I just don’t have the energy. I plan to watch Doctor Who (The Curse of Peladon) until I need to get ready for Shabbat. I overslept ridiculously, partly because I went to bed very late (1.00am), but even so, I slept for about eleven and a half hours, which I think I needed.
I have to tell myself that I am still in recovery, not recovered. Maybe I will always be vulnerable (I won’t say weak) and have to take care of myself. I hope I can find a wife who can be accepting of that, given that earlier this year I dated someone who couldn’t cope with it, which makes me scared of opening up in the future about my depression. (As an aside, I found a cool children’s book at work to explain about depression to very young children. I made a note of that; hopefully it will be useful one day.) Maybe I won’t be able to work completely full-time, or not for a while. I just hope I can manage the transition from three to four full days a week in September. At any rate, I have coped with a full term of working three days a week, which is good. I have another week left before the long summer holiday, which I’m not actually contracted to do, I’m working extra for TOIL (Time Off In Lieu) so that I can take three days of Yom Tov (Jewish festivals) off as unpaid leave in the next term. Also, being around for the library stock take is probably good work experience for me, as I’ve never done a stock take before. But I think I really do need at least some of this long holiday to recuperate before the next term, which I guess is the advantage of working in a college library, even if the reduced pay (obviously I don’t get paid for those weeks) is a pain.