20.01 Doctor Who: The Sea Devils: Episode 2. Old Doctor Who is better than new Doctor Who. Swordfight! Bad jokes! Also, squishing stress ball (Evel Kneidel, the stress matzah ball) – helpful.
20.27 I suspect this experiment isn’t working, so I’ll stop clogging up everyone’s feeds and go back to doing one post.
20.40 Lying on the bed again, for the umpteenth time today, feeling awful and worrying. Worries I won’t recover. Worried I will never be able to speak my mind about anything for fear of being demonized and losing friends. Terrified that no one could ever love me, that admitting my mental health issues will just lead to rejection. Even worried that this liveblogging experiment failure will lose me my small base of followers. I trust that God’s will will come to pass, but what if He wants me to be lonely and unloved? That is, after all, how He seems to have wanted me to feel for so much of my life.
20.46 Not at all hungry, even a little nauseous, but feel I ought to eat something, so opting for cereal (muesli). More Doctor Who.
20.58 Still haven’t actually got around to eating and DVD. Parents aren’t answering phones. Might well take more olanzapine tomorrow without waiting to hear from psychiatrist.
21.06 Just spoke to Mum, she agreed with me that I should just take the olanzapine tomorrow morning and tell the psychiatrist rather than waiting for him to email me back, otherwise the depression might get worse and I might miss work.
21.11 Emailed the psychiatrist. Worried he will tell me I should have stayed on the lower dose for longer, but feel I know my mind and my body better than a doctor (this is halakhah, incidentally).
21.16 Ma’ariv. Poor kavannah (concentration). Worried that no one really reads what I write here. Worried about That Thing, that I will never find someone who can love me for the broken person that I am.
ca21.25 Text from friend offering support, feel a bit better.
21.37 Dinner and Doctor Who, interspersed with texting friend. Also, make lunch for tomorrow, pack.
Still to do: shower, hitbodedut, bed.