Sorry, I’m posting multiple times in one day again, sigh. But I need to get my thoughts down.
I woke up very late and then couldn’t get going. I missed Shacharit (morning prayers) completely for the first time in quite a while. I wrote the previous post piecemeal in the two hours after waking while struggling to have breakfast and get dressed. I had hoped that writing about my anxieties would make me feel less lonely today, but if anything it has had the opposite effect. Sigh. Sometimes I probably just need to be hugged.
I wanted to do various chores and cook a proper dinner today, but felt too tired and down. I’m worried by the fact that I still feel depressed and wonder how long it will take for the higher dose of olanzapine to kick in. I hope it kicks in soon, there are things I need to do. My holiday starts next week and I have a lot of chores to do. I’d like to have some fun too, given that I can’t actually go on holiday somewhere, but I worry that that is unlikely to happen much. “Having fun” like “socializing”, “dating” and “hanging out with people” is something I never really got the hang of.
I did at least manage to go for a run, albeit only for twenty minutes due to lack of time and energy. I did listen to music while running; apparently it’s OK to listen during the Three Weeks for exercise, although it’s better to listen to music you don’t like. As I don’t own music I don’t like, I listened to a playlist I made of music from TV and films, as it’s more functional and less like “actual” music, although I felt bad that a couple of songs I really like came up.
I wanted to do some significant Torah study today, to look over what we did in Talmud shiur (class) yesterday and also to catch up what I missed last week when I didn’t go to shiur because I was feeling under the weather, but I wasn’t up to it. I managed about ten minutes of Chumash (The Five Books of Moses) and that was it. I feel bad about this too and wonder when I will be able to catch up. Today is a day when almost everything seems to have got on top of me: loneliness, mild depression, housework, exercise, cooking. Torah study, prayer… It’s a day when all I can do is try my best, which isn’t very much, and hope things improve soon. I just hope it’s enough.
I don’t feel tired now, although it’s getting late, probably because I slept for over eleven hours last night and have done very little to tire me out all day. I’m not sure whether to go to bed or to watch TV in the hope that if I relax a little I will sleep better.