“You’re sorry for everybody, boy! Is that why you resigned?” The Prisoner: Once Upon A Time by Patrick McGoohan
I managed to do my shopping, although on the walk back I kept just stopping in the street, I’m not sure why. I think it was probably lack of motivation as much as lack of energy.
I seem to be stupidly emotional today and I’m not sure of the reason for that either. I’m on the verge of tears again. My Dad just came round to my flat to drop something off and I was trying to keep it all together until he’s gone. I tell myself it’s because I don’t want him and Mum worrying about me, but really I’m ashamed to have fallen back into depression again, and for such a stupid reason, over a failed relationship, or two failed relationships, the one which failed after four dates and the one which probably won’t even get to a first date. Both are probably my fault, on some level. At least, if I had self-confidence, if I had ‘normal’ interests, whether ‘normal’ frum interests or ‘normal’ geeky interests or ‘normal’ cultured interests, instead of a mix of bits of all three, then maybe someone would want a relationship with me. And if I didn’t fall for women so easily, I could date without getting hurt from every slight rejection.
I blame myself for everything. I probably shouldn’t, but I do.
I don’t mind if God doesn’t want me to get married, I can cope by myself, but I’d like to know that I’m going to be single so I can plan and so I can stop wasting my time trying to find a partner and, above all, so I can stop the horrible hoping that things might get better, that this might be The One. I have a relative who has a habit, when talking about weddings, of saying things like, “…and please God one day this will happen to you too…” which drives me mad because I think I would be better off if I could just accept the fact that I will be single and lonely and unloved and a virgin all my life.
There was just a beautiful rainbow outside my window, showing all the colours really clearly. It only lasted five or ten minutes. I suppose some people would take this as A Sign From Above about something or other, but I find it hard to do so. The day has otherwise been cold and wet and I don’t think that’s significant either.
This is the end of the nine o’clock news and weather.