“Some kind of solitude is measured out in you/You think you know me, but you haven’t got a clue.” Hey Bulldog, The Beatles
I went back to bed for half an hour or so this afternoon. I was too tired and depressed to do very much. I only got up to answer the phone, otherwise I might still be there. I wanted to go for a run, but didn’t have the energy. I’m worried that I still let life get to me, that I can’t accept my alone-ness as a fact of life. I’m not the only thirty-odd year old virgin and I’m certainly not the only lonely person in the world. I just can’t see how I can actually meet someone. To be honest, at the moment I can’t see how I can get through the next week, or go back to work in August, let alone worry about something as abstract as dating. Forget dating, I can’t even make dinner: I boiled some eggs for lunch, hoping to use some of them to make kedgeree this evening (about the easiest recipe I know that actually is a recipe not just cheese on toast), but it took all afternoon before I could face cooking the rice to go with it and it threatened to spark off kashrut OCD. I did manage to daven Mincha (say the afternoon prayers), but I had zero kavannah (concentration), even with Tehillim/Psalms 6 which should have expressed what I was feeling. I managed some Torah study for ten or fifteen minutes, but it was basic and poor; it was hard to read and translate Hebrew, even from my bar mitzvah sedra. I did at least spend half an hour or so working on the Doctor Who book and I feel I’m getting to grips with the current chapter.
The rabbi was talking yesterday about the need to know oneself before one can grow in any way. I don’t know that I know myself very well. In some ways I do understand myself, I think I know what my core values are and I know what triggers the mental health issues (which is not the same as being able to cope with the triggers). However, I think I might overestimate my negative points and underestimate my good ones. I don’t actually think I have any good points. One friend said today that I’m “lovely”, another that I’m “saintly”. I find it hard to accept any of this. Not that I would accuse them of lying, just that I think they don’t know me well enough or are trying to cheer me up (I think I already upset both of them for different reasons today without calling them liars too…). I certainly don’t know what my purpose is in life or how I find out (years of therapy haven’t really helped here). I would say I don’t have one, except that my religious beliefs indicate that everyone has one.
I wanted to steer clear of dating until I understood myself better, but my CBT therapist felt I understood myself well enough and that frum (religious) couples who get married in their late teens or early twenties don’t know themselves any better than I do (this just adds more confusing feelings about frum people and married people). Dating has been pretty disastrous, though, with most of the women I have asked out or gone out with this year have apparently decided that I’m too weird or too mentally ill for them. Maybe there is someone out there who doesn’t think I’m weird (possible) or broken (unlikely… I really am a screw-up), but I think I’m too jaded and hurt to look for her by now. And unless I marry someone a lot younger than myself (unlikely), a family looks less and less likely.
A friend got annoyed at me for saying on my blog that I have no one to show my writing to, when she would look at it. I didn’t realize that she would, given that my other friends are unwilling to look at it (they don’t say they are unwilling, they even encourage me to send them stuff, they just don’t give me any feedback). Anyway, at the moment I have not got the energy, motivation or concentration to write anything other than the Doctor Who book. I don’t much feel like showing anyone my stuff at the moment anyway. I’m not very good at taking criticism, it just makes me feel a bad writer and a bad person for even thinking I could write. It’s bad enough I’ve got a poem coming out on Hevria soon.
I should try to socialize, but I think I hate myself too much to impose on anyone. Anyway, I only have two friends in London, neither very close and both too busy to see me most of the time. It was good to see my non-biological sisters last week, though. If I’m well enough I’m hoping to go to the science fiction exhibition at The Barbican with my Dad later in the week, although I already suspect it is going to bore him and am feeling guilty about going.
I say I want to have people in my life, yet I spend all my time pushing them away. I’m trying to deal with my social anxiety with a CBT book, but the problem is my social anxiety is worst on Shabbat, when I can’t write down how I feel (and even on other days it is hard to take out pen and paper and write down in a public place, which is where I feel socially anxious). I bet I don’t even really want to get married to love someone, just to have sex. As I’m sure I couldn’t cope with casual sex, even if it were religiously permitted, I don’t know what to do about that.
I want to eat junk food, but I don’t have much in the flat, fortunately. Actually, it’s more that I want to eat, but don’t have the energy or motivation to actually eat anything. I want to vegetate in front of the TV, but the Doctor Who story I’m watching (Planet of the Daleks) is not very good and I’m stuck watching it for my research for my book (the book that may never get finished…). It was sufficiently bad that I posted something on my non-anonymous Doctor Who blog to complain, the first I’ve done that in a while (although I have posted some quotes there recently). I feel the need to press on with the Doctor Who episodes so I can get on with writing the book, although if I’m too depressed to write that’s rather pointless. I suppose I really want to get done quickly so I can tie it all up with the Peter Capaldi era of the show and not have to worry about writing more chapters for as-yet untransmitted seasons, because I’m not sure I have the ability to come up with new interpretations any more rather than just revising old posts. I’m also scared that Doctor Who fandom, not always the friendliest place, is about to become very nasty with the new Doctor and I’m afraid that I won’t like the next series as the new show-runner and chief writer isn’t someone whose work I like.
So here I am, playing games of Ain’t It Awful again and waffling in a vaguely stream of consciousness way. I sometimes wonder what other people’s interior monologues are like; mine are often focused on big religious/political/cultural questions and interspersed with high and popular cultural references (yes, especially Doctor Who), but when I’m depressed like today it becomes full of self-loathing and images of myself being hurt in various ways. At least I’m doing this on my own blog and not on Hevria. Last time I did it on Hevria someone said she was sorry that my life had been hard and it took me a couple of reads to realize that she meant it, as I was initially worried she was being sarcastic, which I suppose shows what I think of myself, that I deserve to be criticised and not taken seriously when I say I’m in pain.