I’m carrying on with my depressed mind in black and my wise mind in red.
I keep crying today without really knowing why. I just sit there and suddenly my eyes are moist and I really want to let go and sob, but I can’t. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, it could just be a release, although as I don’t know why I’m crying and as I find it hard to really cry, it probably isn’t much of a release.
I overslept again and struggled to get going, managing very little of Shacharit again. At least I did some. I’m achey (I must have pulled a lot of muscles doing aerobics), lacking motivation and energy and I want to comfort eat (resisting so far). I did manage to spend thirty-five minutes proof-reading the second draft of the sixth chapter of the book I’m writing on Doctor Who covering the bulk of Jon Pertwee’s time in the role and Tom Baker’s first story (the odd divisions are from my following stylistic changes, usually revolving around changes of producer or script editor, rather than lead actor). The chapter nearly doubled in size for the second draft, weighing in at nearly 8,200 words. This is now the longest chapter in the book (so far), but rather than feel good about it, I just worry I won’t be able to increase the later chapters to the same length, or write a new chapter on Peter Capaldi’s time on the show. I certainly don’t feel much of a sense of achievement in having written it, just frustrated that it’s not as good as I would like it to be. This is still good, even if I don’t feel anything. It’s done for now and I can move on to the next chapter. I have also sort of restarted my Doctor Who blog (no link as it’s currently under my real name), not for anything detailed, just odd reflections, quotes and silly jokes. Not sure how long I’ll continue with it. It’s good that I’m reaching out there too.
I also have a poem coming out on Hevria.com on Monday. That’s also good. I suppose it’s all go, creatively, except that I wrote the poem years ago, but didn’t show it to anyone. So? It’s still my poem. Perhaps that gives me some distance on it, not to feel so worried about it or critical of it. Or maybe not, as I am still somewhat nervous about it, as it’s about antisemitism and might be seen as controversial. It also has some profanity (use of the f-word, quoting things that have been shouted at me in the street), which I don’t normally use, but which seemed necessary given the context.
I feel a bit bad because my Mum just phoned me with some sad news from her work (someone died), but after listening politely for eight minutes I said I need to go (which was true) because it’s hard to empathize over the death of someone you never knew and she had even finished talking about work and was just going through everything that had happened to her today. I didn’t think I was rude, but I think she got upset anyway, so now I feel bad for upsetting her. It’s my fault, I was trying really hard to be patient, but I slipped up and probably annoyed her. I can’t be responsible for other people’s reactions. I did try to be polite and she had finished telling me about her issues at work. I probably could have been more polite and waited a bit longer, though, if I had tried.