I wanted to write something more discursive than I’ve written previously today, but I feel terrible and don’t have the brainpower to write anything other than what is going through my head right now.
I obviously spoke too soon about the OCD being under control, as I’m suffering with it at the moment. I’m really worried I made my parents’ kettle milchig, and, as my Mum doesn’t believe me that there might be a problem, I’m worried she’s going to make the parev stuff milchig too, and the fleshig stuff treif. I tried emailing first one rabbi then another, but I think both are away; certainly neither has yet got back to me. I don’t know what to do.
The only things I’ve done today is to have a therapy session and go shopping. Therapy was hard, as we focused on my break-up of three weeks ago, which may have been a mistake. I think my therapist wanted me to stop repressing my feelings and express them, but I think it’s just brought everything back, although I’m not consciously thinking about the break-up. I do feel pretty broken, though.
I nearly had some kind of breakdown in the supermarket. I wanted to buy some vegetables to make vegetarian curry tomorrow, but I stood in front of the cauliflowers thinking that I wouldn’t have the energy to cook and especially to check the cauliflower for insects (not sure how much that is OCD or genuine worry) and I nearly just left it and decided not to cook or at least to come back later in the week when I was more sure of what I wanted to do. I got a bit worried about being seen buying food that people from shul might see as insufficiently kosher (cauliflower, because of the difficulty of checking for insects, and also milk, because I rely on the leniency for drinking ordinary cows’ milk in the UK (chalav stam), but I suspect most people at my shul don’t, so I’m always worried about being caught with ordinary milk). I did buy the food in the end, but I’m not sure I’m going to use it.
I have come back from the shops feeling very depressed and despairing. I had vaguely suicidal thoughts. I’m not going to hurt myself (please don’t worry or phone, those of you who know my number), but it is hard to keep going today. I worry how I’m going to be able to go back to work next week, while also hoping that I do manage it, because I think the structure and social environment will help me. But right now it’s hard to do anything. I actually feel a bit light-headed and faint since coming home, which probably means my blood sugar has dropped and I should eat something, as low blood sugar makes me physically and makes the depression and OCD worse.
My Dad wanted me to open a new bank account with a better interest rate now I’m earning more money, but I need to ask him some questions about the account he recommended, but I don’t feel up to it. I’m scared to phone my parents because I feel guilty about feeling so depressed today, because I feel I’ve let them down. On the other hand, I was saying too much on Hevria again. My poem there didn’t make much of an impression, although I did get two positive comments and a couple of likes. Nothing negative, thankfully. So that was good. But it’s hard to hold onto the good today, when it feels like the world is just collapsing and I’m stuck under the rubble unable to get out.