I’m not sure how many people saw my earlier post before I edited it. I know a couple of people liked it before I changed it and I know at least two others get the posts by email, so they would be sent the original version.
I feel I cheapened myself, in a strange way. I feel I made myself out to be worse than I am and in the process I publicised other people’s sins in a way that perhaps I should not, even though it was anonymous. Except part of me wonders how much worse I am… I sometimes feel like I have a lot on my conscience, even though the people I’ve opened up to don’t always see it that way and think I’m too hard on myself, that I’m basically a good person who struggles in a few areas largely due to my loneliness and mental health issues. Like anyone who isn’t a tzaddik (saint), I have my problem areas that I need to work on.
It’s hard to know what to do sometimes. I don’t want to be too easy on myself, but being too hard on myself doesn’t help either. This is always the challenge for me at this time of the year, as we head towards Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur (the Jewish New Year and the Day of Atonement) with their emphasis on judgment, reward and punishment, repentance, return, growth, renewal and new beginnings… how to change without hating myself, how to see my flaws without just wanting to die from shame…
I don’t have an easy answer. It’s practically midnight, I’ve been awake for eighteen hours and struggling with the darker side of my psyche for most of them. I just really wanted to put this little postscript of a post out there as a counter-weight to what I wrote before, to say that I’m trying to see myself realistically, rather than assuming the worst all the time.