I’m not sure how many people saw my earlier post before I edited it.  I know a couple of people liked it before I changed it and I know at least two others get the posts by email, so they would be sent the original version.

I feel I cheapened myself, in a strange way.  I feel I made myself out to be worse than I am and in the process I publicised other people’s sins in a way that perhaps I should not, even though it was anonymous.  Except part of me wonders how much worse I am… I sometimes feel like I have a lot on my conscience, even though the people I’ve opened up to don’t always see it that way and think I’m too hard on myself, that I’m basically a good person who struggles in a few areas largely due to my loneliness and mental health issues.  Like anyone who isn’t a tzaddik (saint), I have my problem areas that I need to work on.

It’s hard to know what to do sometimes.  I don’t want to be too easy on myself, but being too hard on myself doesn’t help either.  This is always the challenge for me at this time of the year, as we head towards Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur (the Jewish New Year and the Day of Atonement) with their emphasis on judgment, reward and punishment, repentance, return, growth, renewal and new beginnings… how to change without hating myself, how to see my flaws without just wanting to die from shame…

I don’t have an easy answer.  It’s practically midnight, I’ve been awake for eighteen hours and struggling with the darker side of my psyche for most of them.  I just really wanted to put this little postscript of a post out there as a counter-weight to what I wrote before, to say that I’m trying to see myself realistically, rather than assuming the worst all the time.

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One thought on “Postscript

  1. Despite having made amends, and told various people, and done other things, there are are some things in my life that I persist in being far too hard on myself about, to the point of feeling that I must have a masochistic streak; I just don’t seem to be able to let go of them, and I don’t know why…..I don’t get any pleasure out of it – it’s more as though it’s such an ingrained habit(stemming from some heavy duty childhood stuff for which I was not to blame but did not know at the time…..didn’t understand, so how could I know, other than it was not how things were supposed to be? And back then of course, family secrets were just that – secret, not to be spoken about, because if you spoke about them, that made them real…..)

    I believe that is when the habit of blaming myself, and feeling guilty – both about things I did and didn’t need to(it became difficult to distinguish, sometimes, as I was never taught)set in, so young, around seven, so, maybe that’s why it’s so deeply rooted. Like a dandelion. Apologies if I said too much….it kind of just tumbled out. And thanks for what you write…..it helps me….

    Like

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