I’ve been thinking more about what I wrote yesterday, about stopping dating and giving up on finding a wife. I feel frustrated about this. I’m not the most demonstrative person and I’m far from “romantic” (in the Hallmark-and-Valentine’s-Day sense), but I feel I do have a lot of love to give to a wife and children. But I still can’t see myself finding someone. I probably will date again at some point, maybe even in the not too distant future, but I’ll be going in with a sense that it will fail (like the man in Kafka’s parable of the law, I’m just doing it to know that there was nothing else I could have done), which probably increases the chances that it will fail.
I do also feel that I’m never going to be 100% over the depression. I have good times and bad times. At the moment I’m probably in an in-between time, functional, but not doing much more than the bare minimum needed to survive. Well, maybe a little more… and living away from home the bare minimum is actually quite a bit. But I feel bad for not davening (praying) more or studying more Torah or getting to shul (synagogue) more often and I don’t always keep my flat as clean as I would like (which admittedly is pretty clean). I ask myself how I can really justify putting a wife and children through this. Or why anyone would continue a relationship with me knowing this (unless she also had serious issues, which might not be a good combination).
In other news, I fell asleep last night without consciously going to bed. One moment I was changing into my pyjamas and listening to the news on the BBC World Service, the next it was morning and I was in bed. I know I didn’t brush my teeth or check the doors were locked and I’m usually very punctilious about those things. I must have slept for nearly twelve hours, though, which makes me worry a bit about whether I’m going to be able to cope with longer work hours from two weeks time. It’s certainly hard to balance work obligations, religious obligations, household chores and some relaxation. I guess everyone has that problem, I just have the disadvantage of added low mood and lack of energy from the depression.
At any rate, the fact that I don’t start working on Tuesdays until September, combined with the bank holiday means I have a mini-break of five days from now until Tuesday. I hope to write up some of the notes I have on Doctor Who circa 1975 for my book, revise some mini sagas with a view to submitting them to Hevria.com and maybe rewrite a Doctor Who article and submit it to denofgeek.com (which is scary, as it entails a risk of rejection). I also need to phone the rabbi of the shul I want to join to arrange to meet him. (Phone… I hate phoning, too scary, but he didn’t reply to my email) and maybe meet him so I can get my membership processed by Rosh Hashanah (Jewish New Year, in one month).