I’m blogging in my lunch hour again (finishing, proof-reading and posting later) because in the evenings I lack the time and energy to blog. I have a load of ideas for posts that are more in depth than these kinds of “what happened to me today” posts, but I simply don’t have the time to write them; what energy and time I have for more analytical writing goes on my Doctor Who book.
In a week and a few hours, it will be Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year. According to the Talmud on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur ten days later, we get judged for life or death in the coming year. I can’t remember how it goes exactly, but I think with regard to physical life (whether we live or die in the coming year) we get judged on Rosh Hashanah, but with regard to spiritual reward within this world (whether we get to enjoy living a religious life in the coming year so that we can continue with it more easily), the clearly righteous and the clearly wicked are judged for spiritual life and death respectively straight away and the rest of us have until Yom Kippur to sway the balance in favour of spiritual life and enjoyment. This being the case, I feel I must be pretty bad, or have not prayed well enough in the past, as I don’t really get much enjoyment out of my religious life, or anything else really. I don’t know how depressive anhedonia (inability to feel pleasure) fits into this. Still, apple dipped in honey is nice.
I feel this year has overstayed its welcome. It was a crazy year, full of ups and downs. At one stage I was so depressed I thought I would have to be hospitalized to stop me from trying to kill myself; at another stage I thought I had finally got over the depression and now I’m somewhere in between the two, functional, but still quite depressed. I have got my OCD more under control, but I have become more aware of how much my social anxieties are holding me back. I started I started a new job much closer to full time, but find myself asking if it was the right decision. I feel I can’t think on my feet quickly enough to deal with users on a regular basis, especially teenagers, I feel I’m learning the procedures of the new job too slowly and I don’t yet feel comfortable in the working environment. I worry that I’m not doing a good enough job. I wonder if have over-extended myself by working so many hours. Moving back to this year, I did try some dating again, but just ended up more lonely and depressed, although I have made some friends. And my little sister got engaged, something that I think I’m only just beginning to process, while the thought of the party hits me with dread (including the interaction with work – my family say to ask for time off the day after the wedding, but I’m wary of asking for more TOIL given the problems I have had with it for Yom Tov (festivals) so I may end up going to work like a zombie on three hours sleep the next day).
This morning was another struggle to get up. I actually overslept slightly, which is worrying as usually I do at least wake up on time even if I don’t get up. I wanted to just stay in bed which is bad as it’s always a sign of depression with me. I cried on the Tube into work, actual tears rolling down my face. I don’t know if anyone saw (it is a point of etiquette on the Tube to take no notice whatsoever of the other passengers no matter what they do). I cried at work yesterday too, I think. I’m coming to think that I cry more often than I realized. It’s hard to tell because, as I think I’ve mentioned before, I have two ways of crying, either just trying to carry on as normal with tears rolling down my face or giving in to intense sobbing without tears, but I can’t get tears and sobs together, which is what I associate with crying. I think the “tears rolling down my face” crying happens quite a bit, but most of the time I just assume I’ve got something in my eye, as I’m not consciously more depressed than normal, although this may just be an indication of how depressed my ‘normal’ is.
Work was OK today, but slow. Cataloguing was particularly slow because not only was I finding it hard to concentrate, but I wanted to read the books I was cataloguing. I guess there aren’t many people who would be equally interested in books on politics, child development and neurodiversity (dyslexia in this case), but there you go. Incidentally, I may have been self-harming a bit at work these last few days, but it may be normal ‘stimming’ behaviour for someone on the borderline of Asperger’s Syndrome (pulling hair, putting pressure on my fingers etc. as well as general fidgeting). I really must get around to writing about that at some point as I still wonder about my non-diagnosis.
I spent a while at lunchtime agonizing about the potential date I thought I had, but it was a waste of time. It turns out she thinks she knows me (I have no idea how, as I don’t know her, but people do sometimes know me when I don’t know them; I guess they say, “Who’s that weird guy who never talks or makes eye contact?”) and thinks our religious differences are too great. So that’s that. It does at least spare me a decision. I might go to the specialist shadchan (matchmaker) at some point in the new year, if I think I’m coping with my mental health and with work (ha ha).