It’s probably a mistake to post two long posts in one day, but I feel depressed and need to vent, so here goes.

I went to bed late last night.  I’m not sure exactly when as, unusually, I didn’t look at the time, but it was around 1.15am.  I intended to sleep in this morning, but, perhaps because I slept so much yesterday when I was burnt out (at night and in the afternoon), I woke up about 7.15am and couldn’t get back to sleep.  Eventually I got up, lethargic and a bit depressed, too down to daven (pray).  I ate some cereal (mezonot so I didn’t need to go in the sukkah in my pyjamas) and watched some Doctor Who.

I did eventually get dressed and start the day properly.  I managed to sort out my desk drawer, which was the big achievement of the day.  I’m usually tidy, but since moving out of my parents’ house I had been shoving post in there to be dealt with later (my post still comes to my parents’ house because my flat doesn’t  have a postal address, being a converted garage, and I don’t want it to go to my landlords’ house), so I finally dealt with that.  Some of the papers had been sitting there for eighteen months or two years!

Other than that, and writing my blog post about Asperger’s Syndrome, I’ve been fairly lethargic and a bit depressed.  I’ve taken today as a mental health day.  I think I accidentally messed up eating in the sukkah yet again.  I won’t go into how, because I would have to go into a lot of technical detail about halakhah (Jewish law) and you wouldn’t thank me for it.  I wonder how I keep messing things up, though.  Some of it comes from living (even if only temporarily, for Shabbat and Yom Tov (Sabbaths and festivals)) in my parents’ house.  When I’m in my flat, I can do things my way, use various safeguards, maybe accept some chumrot (protective stringencies).  But here sometimes I have to do the bare minimum required by halakhah, or do ‘risky’ things and try to remember to watch out.  Inevitably, sometimes I slip up.  I haven’t freaked out about it and gone into an OCD spiral the way I did last year, which is good, but it is contributing to my air of depression today.

I went out shopping, briefly.  I hoped to see the cat I saw on Friday night and be brave enough to pet it, but I didn’t see it.  I continued trying to catch up on the classes I missed from my Talmud shiur when I was too tired and depressed to go, but I couldn’t really understand any of it, even the stuff I was actually in the class for.  It’s at times like this I regret not having gone to yeshiva (rabbinical seminary) or having the skills to study Talmud independently, like the people I was with at the oneg on Friday night.  To be honest, I struggle sometimes with my daily Mishnah study and Mishnah is the beginner’s slopes compared to Gemarah (to explain: the Oral Law that discusses, clarifies and analyses the Written Law (Tanakh, the Hebrew Bible, but especially the Torah, in this case the Five Books of Moses) stems from the Talmud and contains two parts.  The Mishnah is a series of legal statements and arguments in deceptively simple form from late antiquity.  The Gemarah, redacted a couple of centuries later, discusses the Mishnah at great and complex length and goes off at tangents covering anything from elaborations of the biblical text (narratives and legal texts) and stories about famous rabbis to folk sayings and recipes.  While technically Talmud is Mishnah plus Gemarah, the term is usually treated as synonymous with Gemarah alone because the Mishnah only takes up a small proportion of the total length of the Talmud).

Let’s face it, in Jewish terms I’m an am ha’aretz, idiot and an ignoramus.  I find this hard to accept, just as it was hard to go to Oxford and realise that I’m not particularly clever, although even at school I was aware that I was far from being the cleverest person in the year.  It’s horrible to realise that, actually, the kids who bullied me at school were right, and I am nothing special.  All those years I told myself they were wrong to bully me and one day I would… not have my revenge (I’m not a vengeful person), but be vindicated in some sense, that I would do something that would show that the world, or someone in the world, in some way benefits from my existence.  But it seems like it’s not to be.  No wonder I retreat into solipsistic fantasies (my own and other people’s; I was  hoping to to re-watch Blade Runner in preparation for seeing the new sequel when I’m on half-term later in the month, but I think I’m out of time, which sums up the day pretty well).

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4 thoughts on “I’m Too Depressed to Think of a Witty or Appropriate Title

  1. I’m a new follower and just want to say hi. Sorry to hear that you are struggling. I write to vent too, and while I can’t offer any advice, I hope you can find some comfort knowing that you’ve got a listener/reader out there. Best wishes.

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  2. Oh, my, I see you so differently……

    ”Let’s face it, in Jewish terms I’m an am ha’aretz, idiot and an ignoramuS”

    ….not to me you’re not. And I love the courtesy you do your readers by explaining the Hebrew words(I get bamboozled on Hevria sometimes, and just don’t have the mental energy to keep looking things up….plus, then I lose track of what I was reading, and my poor short term memory means I usually forget it anyway. I’d dearly love to learn the Hebrew alphabet…..but have given up after do many attempts. I just can’t retain it now. I remember a few letters….Aleph, lamed (my favourite – one of my aspie things is having favourite letters and numbers snd seeing some in colour. Main one is A, which is bright red)

    The way you write flows so well, so readable, and often with such a sense of humour; not sure if you’re aware of that, but it does.

    And bullies are just that: bullies. You *are* special…..that’s a big reason why bullies bully. A sense of envy, inadequacy…..and like you, I’m not a vengeful person either, but I do believe that you will be vindicated…..if not already: you say you wish that someone one in the world benefits from your Existence? I do. Yes, I know I tend to go quiet for spells, but ‘I’m still here, in the background, and you have said many, many things which help me.

    So it’s just a small thing, perhaps, but there you are…..you do indeed have someone in the world who benefits from your existence. Me.

    Hope you see the cat soon…..

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  3. ”Let’s face it, in Jewish terms I’m an am ha’aretz, idiot and an ignoramuS”

    ….not to me you’re not.

    I guess it’s relative. I feel I am in comparison to the people at my shul, and to the person I want to be.

    I heard the idea that I was being bullied because the bullies envied me when I was growing up, but I found it hard to believe. They didn’t seem like the type of people who wanted to be clever, and there wasn’t anything else to envy me for. More likely they just felt inadequate in general and I was weak, inept and isolated enough to be an easy target.

    I’m not likely to see the cat again, as I won’t be going down that road in the foreseeable future.

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