Disjointed ‘early morning’ (actually after 11.30am, but I’d only just got up) thoughts:
“I didn’t realise I was crying until I felt the tear on my cheek.”
“Why can’t I get anything right?”
“I’ve done things that would make everyone hate me if they knew about them.”
“I am such an idiot.”
“If I’ve been shomer Shabbat for half my lifetime, why am I still having anxiety dreams about breaking Shabbos?” [It was also a yeshiva anxiety dream, which is at least new for me.]
“The world is sick and crazy” (this on looking at the BBC news website).
“I hate myself. I hate myself.”
“I feel sick. I sicken myself.”
“Would I rather be dead or happy? I’m not sure.”
“Why would I be happy as myself? I hate myself.”
Thoughts of scratching myself with my (very blunt) desk scissors (not acted on).
I want friends, I even try to make contact, but they don’t get back to me and live far away anyway and I lack the confidence and energy to chase them or make new friends. I doubt that I’ll get to the oneg (Shabbat party) organised by my shul this week, and as my parents are out for Shabbat dinner it will be a lonely Friday evening, feeling everyone is having fun without me (it’s Shabbat UK/The Shabbat Project). I will try to get to depression group for the first time in ages
Retail therapy: I just bought a load of books. I bought a book on the laws of muktzah (things that can’t be touched on Shabbat) from the local Jewish bookshop and three books from the charity shop: Homage to Catalonia (which I’d been meaning to get around to reading for ages), a popular economics book and The Writer’s Tale, Russell T. Davies’ book on writing Doctor Who. The latter was only bought as background for the book I’m writing and I probably won’t read it all, because it’s huge and because I don’t like Davies’ writing or the persona he projects very much and I doubt I can stick with it for 700+ pages. Maybe that was a mistake, though, as I’ll probably end up reading it (I just flicked through for a couple of minutes and already found something that (a) really annoyed me (for two different reasons) and (b) is important for my book so it’s swings and roundabouts. I just have to be able to write the chapter without it turning into abuse. Also, Davies says that Martha is the only one of his companions who is genuinely selfless, which probably explains why she’s my favourite).
Late afternoon: I’ve been sitting aimlessly browsing online for about an hour (to be fair, I did catalogue my new books on Goodreads and eat some fruit (yes, I catalogue my own books. I am a librarian!)). Even though I told myself not to. Even though I didn’t read anything interesting and mostly ended up skimming pages without reading properly (and did read something upsetting in an old blog post by someone who reads my blog – upsetting that she’s struggling with life rather than something offensive). Even though I told myself to read a book when I’m depressed or even watch a DVD if I’m too depressed to read a book. Actually, now I think about it, I did spend some time browsing through the Russell T. Davies book, but that was annoying too. What I’m really doing is procrastinating to avoid cooking dinner. I feel like crying again.
Still haven’t cooked dinner. Struggled to daven Ma’ariv (say the evening prayers) when I feel so distant from God and feel like He doesn’t care about me.
I realised I have barely spoken to anyone all week, just a couple of phone calls to my parents, a few words with shop assistants and davening. I just phoned my Dad and kept shouting at him without really intending to do so. My parents thought that I’ve been well this week, so I’m obviously becoming a better liar, but made me think that was what prompted him to ask why I’m depressed today, so if I’d been truthful, perhaps that wouldn’t have happened. Or maybe it was just small talk again. I don’t see the point of small talk.
My relationship with my parents does make me wonder if I could get married. I’m not always good at tolerating their quirks and different personalities and I think there has historically been a lot of incomprehension (unstable, unsociable introvert vs. stable, sociable introvert and extrovert, incomprehensible (to neurotypicals) Aspie tendencies, depression and OCD… the depression is probably the thing they deal with best although to be fair they have promised that at my sister’s wedding, they’ll try to get a room for me to go off and be Aspie and introverted (and probably depressed, but I shouldn’t say that)). All of which makes me wonder if I could cope with someone who wasn’t improbably like me… and if she was improbably like me, then I still probably wouldn’t get on with her, because I hate myself!
I managed to cook dinner in the end, and even did a few minutes (OK, about fifteen or twenty minutes) of Torah study. I felt tearful again over dinner, watching Doctor Who (The Ribos Operation, not even a particularly bleak or emotional story). I’ve edited out quite a bit from this post, because it was too personal and too bleak. I didn’t want people worrying about me. And yet, that just leaves me feeling lonelier.
There is so much pain in the world and I do so little to alleviate it. I probably make things worse (e.g. shouting at my parents). I wish I could do something. I wish I could say that my suffering is somehow a kapparah (atonement) for the world. That would make it all worthwhile. But I’m not a tzaddik (saint). I wish I was like my childhood hero, the fourth Doctor, saving the universe every week with a smile, a joke and bag of sweets. There’s an often-repeated idea that your favourite Doctor is the one you grew up with, but I grew up with the first seven in rapid succession. I think the fourth is my favourite (I have cosplayed, without calling it such) because he’s the one I most want to be: confident, casually intelligent, funny, charismatic and eccentric-yet-endearing (rather than shy, intelligent-but-too-shy-to-speak, serious and freakishly weird. And I genuinely am as stupid as I seem).