This is a follow on from the previous post.
I think I’ve just annoyed or lost two of my few friends. I’ve probably alienated everyone on Hevria too. I feel I don’t deserve to live. I tell myself I don’t deserve to have friends if I’m going to alienate them, but it doesn’t help. Also, if I feel lonely, I don’t know how not to say it. It’s not intended as a criticism, I know they don’t live locally, but I still feel lonely and want to say I feel lonely. I know I can phone them, but I don’t know what to say (Asperger’s) and I don’t want to interrupt them or make demands on them (social anxiety). Also, I don’t always think the same way they do, which can lead to misunderstanding.
I usually do my hitbodedut meditation/prayer in the dark, but I had to turn on the lights tonight, even though I felt stupid for doing so. I just felt I couldn’t sit in the dark, feeling awful, hating myself. Hitbodedut is supposed to make one feel closer to God, but I feel sure God hates me as much as everyone else does. I feel like I’ve alienated all my friends and family, so I’m sure I’ve alienated Him too.
I want to eat, but I shouldn’t as I’m not hungry. I’m on three psychiatric medications and they all cause weight gain and I’ve put on a lot of weight lately and am heading towards being overweight, although I don’t look it. I’ve got rid of all the junk food in my flat so I won’t eat it (except one tiny piece of chocolate, saved for an emotional emergency), but I want to eat cereal, porridge or muesli. It’s comfort eating, but still fattening. I don’t know what to do.
