This is a follow on from the previous post.

I think I’ve just annoyed or lost two of my few friends.  I’ve probably alienated everyone on Hevria too.  I feel I don’t deserve to live.  I tell myself I don’t deserve to have friends if I’m going to alienate them, but it doesn’t help.  Also, if I feel lonely, I don’t know how not to say it.  It’s not intended as a criticism, I know they don’t live locally, but I still feel lonely and want to say I feel lonely.  I know I can phone them, but I don’t know what to say (Asperger’s) and I don’t want to interrupt them or make demands on them (social anxiety).  Also, I don’t always think the same way they do, which can lead to misunderstanding.

I usually do my hitbodedut meditation/prayer in the dark, but I had to turn on the lights tonight, even though I felt stupid for doing so.  I just felt I couldn’t sit in the dark, feeling awful, hating myself.  Hitbodedut is supposed to make one feel closer to God, but I feel sure God hates me as much as everyone else does.  I feel like I’ve alienated all my friends and family, so I’m sure I’ve alienated Him too.

I want to eat, but I shouldn’t as I’m not hungry.  I’m on three psychiatric medications and they all cause weight gain and I’ve put on a lot of weight lately and am heading towards being overweight, although I don’t look it.  I’ve got rid of all the junk food in my flat so I won’t eat it (except one tiny piece of chocolate, saved for an emotional emergency), but I want to eat cereal, porridge or muesli.  It’s comfort eating, but still fattening.  I don’t know what to do.

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