I went to my depression support group last night. I hadn’t been for a couple of months. It’s hard to go now I’ve started my new job because I come home tired and hungry and if I was going out to depression group (which is quite a way away) I would have very little time to eat something and try to relax a bit before going out again. Also, with the Monday meetings (meetings are on the second Monday and last Thursday of the month) I would get home late and struggle to get up early for work the next day; I don’t work on Fridays, although I do have therapy then, so the Thursday meetings would be less of a problem, so I’m hoping to get back to going to those at least, having missed some due to Yom Tov.
I did feel I wasn’t always talking entirely coherently at depression group last night. A couple of times I started saying something and then had to break off to add in another piece of information I needed to say before I got to the next bit. I’m not good at talking spontaneously. I wasn’t really sure what I wanted to say anyway, I just needed to talk.
It just occurred to me that although everyone there has depression and some have anxiety too, few people seem to display the shyness and communication difficulties I have. I don’t have problems talking about my feelings when it’s my turn to talk, but I do struggle to talk to people during the tea break and usually go and browse the books in the small library of depression books rather than make awkward small talk. I don’t know whether this is evidence in favour of Asperger’s or just social anxiety, but it is interesting.
When I came home, someone had written a blog post that triggered thoughts of something that happened to me that I’ve been wrestling with lately, wanting to write about it here or on Hevria, but not feeling that it was a good idea. I emailed the blogger about it, but in retrospect I wonder if that was a mistake, as I don’t really know her and it was quite private. I had emailed some friends about it, but they were busy and never got back to me and I don’t like to chase them. I open up to people too much online, and not enough in the real world.
I overslept again today. I have no idea how I will get up for shul tomorrow. I’ve discovered that the oneg (Shabbat party) tonight is open not just to my shul (synagogue), but all the shuls in the area, which has further scared me off going, even though there is a guest speaker who a blogger I read raves about. That makes me want to see what he’s like, but also irrationally puts me off (I asked the blogger out earlier in the year, but she wasn’t interested. Rationally that has nothing to do with the speaker she likes, but somehow it makes me uncomfortable. I suppose, as she said we have nothing in common, I wonder whether that means I won’t like the speaker and triggers fears about where I fit in the frum community which have been further triggered by seeing the subject matter of his talks over Shabbat).
I think I need to come up with some precise targets for the social anxiety, but also to work out where my boundaries are and accept that there are some things I am never going to be able to do and probably will not want to do. My parents used to try to send me to lots of social things and I’ve internalised the voice telling me I should go to things, but I’m not sure there’s much point going if I’m not going to enjoy them much. However, it’s hard to know what I will enjoy in advance.