I spent a lot of Shabbat (the Sabbath) either asleep or in shul (synagogue), as happens a lot on Shabbat in the winter, when the daylight part of Shabbat is so short. I had a disturbing dream which led to me oversleeping as I felt too upset to get up when I woke up at 7.15 and so I stayed in bed and fell asleep again for more than an hour, so I was very late for Shacharit (the morning service). Still, I was there, which was more than I had managed for the last few weeks, when social anxiety defeated me. I spoke to some people at the kiddush (refreshments after the service) including a person I have never spoken to before, which is good for fighting my social anxiety. I even answered a question in the rabbi’s shiur (class) before Mincha (the afternoon service), which took a lot of guts, fighting the social anxiety. I made it back for Ma’ariv (the evening service) too, despite having a persistent headache.
However, I stayed up late, catching up on the Torah study I had not managed over Shabbat because of the headache, browsing online and watching Doctor Who. I was also eating – despite having eaten a lot over Shabbat, I was very hungry, which is probably the result of my medication, but is not good as I am putting on weight despite cutting more and more junk from my diet. I am on three psychiatric medications and all three cause weight gain as a side-effect, but trying to come off any of them just leaves me feeling worse, even though I feel far from great while on them. I guess depressed-and-fat-but-functional is better than slim-non-functional-and-suicidal.
I went to bed late, but got up a little earlier than I expected this morning, around 10.30, but I was too tired and exhausted to get dressed even after eating breakfast. As a result, I missed Shacharit entirely, which I felt bad about. I browsed online again and spent a lot of time doing the mental monologuing I wrote about yesterday, thinking about Jewish stuff and about my role in the world, feeling a bit depressed from feeling that I have a lot of love I would like to give to a wife and children, but not being able to do so, and wondering if I am going to get set up on this date or not and how that will turn out. I’ve been lacking energy all day and am troubled by some OCD anxious thoughts (pure O rather than with compulsions). I want to ask my rabbi mentor about them, but I know that would be feeding the OCD. My worries aren’t likely to be correct, but if they are, the negative results would be huge, so I feel I should ask the question if there’s even a slight chance that there is a real problem.
I had hoped to get back into a good routine for Sundays, having had it disrupted first by increasing my working hours (and so needing Sunday to catch up with chores I used to do during the week) and then by a month of Yom Tov, but I am too exhausted and running too late to go for a jog and I am not sure I will be able to do much cooking or writing for my book, all things I want to get back in the habit of doing. I write paragraphs of my book at work during my lunch break, but I don’t really have any time for jogging or cooking other than Sundays at the moment. I did at least manage to do some shopping, which was a more important priority. I would like to cook a recipe I have not tried before, but I think I will probably just cook plain pasta and eat it with bought sauce, as I’m too tired to cook anything from scratch. I’m probably not even alert enough to write some more of my book, although I would like to do so, as I’m falling behind with it, watching episodes and making notes on them far faster than I can write those notes up (which I guess is at least better than the reverse).
So overall today has become an unintentional mental health day, reserved for doing very little and getting my emotional strength back after a very stressful week of work stress and dating stress and pushing myself far out of my comfort zone in terms of my social anxiety as well as combating the OCD to try to stop it coming back (which I haven’t really written about, but which I had to do during the week). As one off, that’s OK, but I hope it doesn’t happen every Sunday from now on.