Just a quick note, as I’m too tired and it’s too late for anything more involved.

My days have fallen into a pattern since I started working four days a week.  I get up later than I intended (although still before 7.00am).  I eat breakfast quickly, dress, say a tiny bit of Shacharit (the morning prayers) and dash out to work, doing some Torah study on the train.  I work, trying to snatch a little time at lunch to type up some notes for my Doctor Who book as well as davening Minchah (saying afternoon prayers).  I come home exhausted, often do grocery shopping, daven Ma’ariv (say the evening prayers), eat dinner (I try not to eat convenience food too much, but, well, it’s convenient when I’m exhausted and depressed), try to watch an episode or two of Doctor Who and sometimes force myself out again to depression group or shiur (religious class).  I make my lunch for the next day, do my hitbodedut prayer/meditation and try to get to bed between 10.30 and 11.00pm so I can get more than seven hours sleep, but I don’t always make it.  I often eat cereal before going to bed, which I probably should not do (I am already putting on weight due to my medication), but I get hungry.  I get a little exercise walking to and from the station, but not as much as I really need.

My mood is low at first, making getting up, dressed, praying and getting work hard; things are better at work, although there currently is a background level of work stress and anxiety that comes and goes.  On the way home I become tired or even exhausted and sometimes even feel faint from low blood sugar (today I was shaking on the Tube) and eat fruit and sometimes a cereal bar, which I try to avoid (too much sugar – weight!), but can’t always and by the time I’m home I’m ripe for the depression to come back, with added loneliness.  I phone my parents while I’m on the way home, but if I don’t have a shiur to go to, I don’t talk to anyone other than God until I get in to work in the morning.

I don’t know why I want to date, as I don’t have the energy or motivation.  Except I do know why, it’s because I’m lonely and want something in my life other than work and Torah and snatched moments working on my book or blog.  (I tried phoning back the rabbi who is supposed to be setting me up on a date with one of his congregants, but he didn’t answer).

Weekends, which for me includes Fridays, are another thing entirely, although it’s different challenges rather than no challenges.


2 thoughts on “Another Day

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