Shut-Down Shabbat

It was a difficult Shabbat (Sabbath).  I got to shul (synagogue) on Friday night, but that was it.  I didn’t get to the communal ‘learning’ (Orthodox Jews say ‘learning’ when they mean ‘study’ because of Yiddish influences, a fact that annoys me no end, doubly so given that it’s a bad habit I’ve lately adopted, which at least shows that I’m trying to fit in with frum people, however maladroitly) event and I missed shul today because I was feeling burnt out: exhausted and depressed.  My sister was with us all over Shabbat and her fiancé was with us today.  I got to talk about my feelings of burn out and work and dating stress at dinner on Friday, but today at lunch the talk was almost entirely about the wedding and I got bored and anxious and walked off and ate pretzels instead of joining in because I had nothing to say.  I’m a bit annoyed about something that’s happening at the wedding, but am too polite to say anything to my sister, especially as I can sort of see the reason for it, but that doesn’t make me feel any better.

I did get to speak to my parents and my sister about working the day after the wedding.  I don’t think I made it clear in my previous post that I can’t just take the day after the wedding off as holiday.  Because I work in a college, I’m not allowed to take holiday during term time and had to take Yom Tov off as time off in lieu and work it off later.   I don’t think I’d be allowed to take another day off, especially as I think my boss thinks I’ve been slacking off.  My plan is to meet with my boss and explain that I have to go to the wedding, but that I’m worried my mental health issues might make my work sub-par for a day or two afterwards and see what she says.  But I’m not hopeful.

Regarding dating, I emailed the person who set me up on the date to ask her to tell my potential date that I’m interested, but that I can’t get hold of the rabbi to arrange to meet.  She emailed me back to say that my date can’t get hold of the rabbi either.  I’m quite glad, as I’m burnt out and can’t see myself managing to date, let alone get married.  In any case, I’m pretty sure she’s going to find me not frum (religious) and religiously knowledgeable enough for her, not least because of her super-frum insistence on organising the date through the rabbi rather than in person.

I was hoping to clean my flat tonight, but I’m too tired and depressed after a busy week and a day listening to people talking about weddings and making me feel lonely, miserable and anxious (about the wedding).  Also, my family can be quite loud when they’re talking and when everyone is shouting at once the Aspie/introvert part of me spaces out and gets drained, which is how I feel now.  I plan to eat something and watch Doctor Who for a bit.