In case anyone can see, yes I am posting this at 4.30am UK time. And no, I don’t feel tired. I slept for about fifteen hours out of the last twenty-eight or so, which was probably exhaustion from the week, but which has really messed up my sleep pattern now.
I was in the flat by myself for Shabbat (the Sabbath), my family having gone to my soon-to-be-brother-in-law’s auf ruf (call up to the Torah before getting married). I didn’t go, for various reasons. I was worried I would be lonely, but I was also worried someone from shul (synagogue) would find out that I was alone and ask me to dinner. I’m not sure why I was so scared; I was looking forward to having time alone to read, but I was also worried about having to talk to people at dinner.
I wasn’t as lonely as I have been in the past when in the flat by myself over Shabbat. I read quite a bit, some Torah, much of Doctor Who Magazine and pretty much all of a Batman graphic novel that was quite good, but disturbingly brutal in parts. (I spent a few years reading a lot of Batman, but have largely stopped recently as I feel in the more recent stories, the content has got too graphic and sadistic. I mean, it’s about a man who dresses up as a bat, it’s escapism rather than realism, so why include graphic torture scenes? I suspect the influence of the Christopher Nolan films, which I really like, but which are deeply disturbing in parts. Anyway, I digress.)
I began to feel lonely and a bit depressed late at night, but I went to bed and hoped everything would be OK. Unfortunately, as I feared, with no one to wake me, I overslept. I was woken by my first alarm, but felt too lethargic and perhaps too socially anxious at the thought of going to shul to get up. I slept through the other two alarms and missed shul completely, getting up around 1.30pm, feeling a bit depressed and very lethargic. I davened (prayed) a bit and ate a lot and mostly survived a religious OCD scare, but the flat was very cold as I hadn’t set the timer on the heater to come on early enough, although it would not have helped me if I had, as the timer turned out to be broken, running very slow. I went into bed after seudah (the third meal) to stay warm, but I fell asleep for two hours, by which time Shabbat was long since over and I had slept for fifteen hours out of the last eighteen or so.
Unsurprisingly, I was not remotely tired by evening. I didn’t want to waste feeling awake and not particularly depressed, so I did various chores and watched the beginning of the three and a half hour (!!!) documentary on Blade Runner included on the DVD. I’m in something of a Blade Runner mood at the moment, having in the last few weeks watched the film for the third time, watched the new sequel, Blade Runner 2049, and read the novel it is based on, Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? for the fourth time. It’s possible that, as I’ve mentioned, the parallels and differences between the presentation of empathy in the book and films and my experiences of Asperger’s syndrome and related empathy and socialisation issues are what resonates.
I went to bed at 3.15am, but did not feel at all tired, so I got up again some time after 4.00. I’m not sure what to do. I will probably watch more of the documentary and eat some porridge, in the hope that warm milk will make me drowsy. (I can’t drink milk, I can only eat it with cereal.)