Today has been harder than yesterday in some ways. I woke up late, feeling OK, had breakfast and pottered around a bit. I had stayed overnight at my parents’ house for convenience and my copy of the new Doctor Who: Shada DVD arrived there in the early afternoon (my post goes care of my parents because my flat doesn’t have a postal address, it’s just my landlords’ garage). As the day went on my mood slipped lower and lower, especially now I am back in the flat and feeling quite depressed and lonely. Shada provided some distraction, but I only had the energy for five minutes of Torah study and I’m missing both dinner out with my extended family and/or Talmud shiur (class) as I’m just too tired to go out, let alone be in a big, noisy group. I don’t know what I’m going to eat for dinner, as I’m too tired to cook anything.
I just stopped myself from saying something I shouldn’t say online. There was a post on Hevria about post-partum depression and the author was saying that until she had her baby, she was “a rockstar” religiously, going to seminary, studying a lot, davening (praying) a lot and so on and now she can’t do any of that. She got support from people who said that pre-marriage life is “amazing” because you have no responsibilities and “you can spend hours learning Torah”. My pre-married life (i.e. all my life) is far from “amazing.” It’s hard to do or enjoy anything, let alone “spend hours learning Torah”. She now feels a lot better on medication, whereas I’m on medication that makes me feel ‘awful’ instead of ‘suicidally awful’. I wanted to say that I never went to yeshiva (although that was not entirely due to poor mental health, if at all), can’t study and can’t daven either, plus I don’t have a supportive spouse. But it would be rude to say that and I feel bad for even thinking it. I do really feel sorry for her and am glad she’s doing better. But it did push my buttons, making me think that I must be so useless that even when I’m well, I can’t meet all my obligations and be a religious superstar or even just enjoy things. And it makes me feel like a freak for being stuck in this depression for decades when other people can come out of it as soon as they get the courage to ask for a pill.
I may go to the shadchan (matchmaker) for people with health issues soon, or I may just give up on dating entirely, I don’t know. It does seem very unlikely that there could be anyone out there for me.
Tomorrow work beckons and at some point I will have to revisit the wedding to download my photos. For now I guess I should forget the wedding, make some dinner, watch the rest of Shada, get ready for work and try to get an early night. Although I fear I may just procrastinate.