I had a whole post in my head, but I didn’t want to post two big things in one day, plus I’m too tired to write at the moment.  I’ll see if I am willing/able to post it tomorrow.

However, I do want to note that, with a lot of effort and willpower, I avoided writing a manipulatively self-loathing and drama queening comment on this Hevria post (the one I referred to in my last post).  It’s a Pyrrhic victory, as I self-loathed and drama queened here instead, but it’s better here, where at least people know what they’re letting themselves in for, than there.  Although to be honest I think most regular writers and readers of Hevria know what to expect from me too by now.

I feel bad about the way my depression and self-loathing sometimes manipulates me into trying to manipulate others into feeding me compliments or agreeing with my self-loathing.  I think I really want the self-loathing support rather than the compliments, believe it or not.  I guess because then my depression makes sense, becomes a rational response to my freakish and wicked uselessness rather than a painful, but apparently random event, or, if not random, part of some divine plan too esoteric to be of any comfort to me.  If everyone agrees that I’m a useless freak, then my self-loathing and depression are justified and I might as well give up on trying to recover.  But if people think I’m a good person, a good writer, a good anything, then I have to decide if and how I’m going to play to my strengths.  But I’ve spent about seventeen years – half my life! – struggling with severe depression, loneliness and self-loathing, feeling that I just can’t escape the dark side of my psyche/soul.  So if people say that they can see good in me despite that, then I have a duty to myself and to others to somehow accentuate the good and ‘recover’.  But I don’t know how to ‘recover’ and other people tend to be short on useful advice.  So I’m left struggling by myself.

Ugh, sorry, this has turned into another long and incoherent post.  (There I go self-loathing again.)  It’s really just the second paragraph that’s the important bit.  The rest is just self-justification, really.  I should go back to watching Doctor Who, but Castrovalva just isn’t that good.

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