Yesterday, you may remember, I felt terrible most of the day, but I started to feel better in the evening and managed to do some chores. In the end I stayed up late doing more chores, knowing I might not have the energy to do them today. (It’s silly that my holiday is mostly spent doing things I don’t want to do that I don’t have time to do while working, rather than relaxing, but there you go. Maybe I’ll get a proper holiday one day. Although not doing anything at all just gives time for the depressive thoughts to come out.) As I expected, I went to bed late and got up late today. I think I slept for over ten hours again. I think I’ve been having upsetting dreams lately, but I don’t remember them, I just have flashes of strange, impossible memories during the day without being able to place them properly. Anyway, I woke up feeling depressed and lethargic, also faint, which was probably low blood sugar, but didn’t get much better even after eating breakfast. I just feel limp and unable to do anything, like a rag doll.
It’s hard to explain how difficult everything is at the moment. Just getting dressed, for instance, is a lengthy and difficult procedure. I can’t just ‘get dressed’; whether I want to or not, it gets broken down into smaller tasks and I have to stop in between, say, getting out my clothes and taking off my pyjamas. Tasks that can’t easily be broken down are extra hard, which I guess is part of the reason davening (praying) is so hard, as I can’t stop for a break part-way through, particularly when I’m wearing tefillin (I don’t like wearing tefillin and I get slightly amused that for some women, wearing them is a feminist thing, as I would avoid wearing them if I could. It may be an Aspie thing, as I find wearing them quite uncomfortable and distracting). But my brain is still going, although perhaps not as normal. Sometimes I can think as normal or even have bursts of rapid agitated thought, other times my thoughts are as sluggish as my actions. I think – it’s hard to be sure, as I sort of drift into a timeless zone when I’m depressed and not doing anything and it’s hard to keep track of my thoughts, although they usually go to negative places.
I have had some positive future-oriented thoughts, which is good, but I doubt I will act on them. I am torn about the Doctor Who book I am writing, whether it will be good or not (publishable or not). The blog posts it’s based on got some positive feedback, but not much and I worry it’s not innovative enough. I would also like to write about the Doctor Who Magazine comic strip, which is very important to me. I’d also like to write a proper analytical article for every Doctor Who story. I tried that years ago, but looking back at those posts, they were variable and often just lists of things I did or didn’t like. I’d like to be more analytical, although I don’t know if I have something to say about every story and, again, whether it would be innovative enough to sell. I also had a vague idea for writing a more personal book about Doctor Who or maybe science fiction TV in general and my mental health and Asperger’s (The Neurodivergent Guide to Telefantasy?), as it’s been a key coping strategy, but I’m not sure what to do with that at all, whether it ties into the review/analysis idea or should be something else entirely.
I get frustrated that ideas don’t come to me fully-formed, but need to be worked at, although even good authors have to work on their ideas. I cut a huge amount from yesterday’s blog post, including a load about being Jewish at Christmas that just didn’t belong there. But somehow that feels like failure, like I should get everything right first time. When I get an idea I sometimes think it is really great for a bit, but soon enough I’m sure it’s silly, or it’s good, but I won’t be able to get it to work. Sometimes I jump to the ‘it’s silly’ stage without the ‘good’ stage first. I wish I could feel comfortable talking about these ideas with someone who might understand them.
I thought Doctor Who today was more than slightly rubbish (Steven Moffatt apparently having done his research by watching precisely zero first Doctor stories and just listening to people bad-mouthing William Hartnell), which has probably brought my mood down further. This has combined with the realisation that I’m going to have extra work to do soon because my parents have insisted on having my room at their house redecorated in January. I don’t particularly want it done and don’t know when I’m going to have the time/energy to pack and unpack my 1,000 or so books and countless DVDs (literally countless, because how many do you count box sets as?). Dad volunteered to do the packing and unpacking, but I suspect that if I want everything put back as I want it in, I’m going to have to do it myself, although I’ve just photographed all the bookshelves so in theory he could do it. I don’t even live here any more, except for Shabbat, so why would I want the room decorated? Admittedly it is in a bad shape from the previous owners and it’s my parents’ house and they’ve almost completely redecorated it in the two and a bit years since they moved in. Just my room and the spare bedroom left. I say spare bedroom, it’s actually functioning as a lumber room with nine packed boxes of stuff from the old house (so you see why I’m worried about what will happen to my boxes of stuff). Dad just predicted three months of upheaval (so that means four or five…). Sometimes I wonder if my parents fully understand the whole ‘depressive Aspie just holding on to his life with the tips of his fingers’ thing and why I can’t cope with upheaval, especially several upheavals in rapid succession (and for me starting to work longer hours, my sister’s wedding and the redecoration within six months counts as rapid succession).
And tomorrow I’m supposed to ask my rabbi mentor if he thinks I should be dating. I wish I could easily say, “No,” because a part of me thinks I just can’t cope, but I can sort of see the point of the people who think I need to change my life around and at least that has the potential to be a significantly positive change (unlike the bedroom), even if it could also be very negative. I wasn’t particularly lonely today, in the sense of wanting someone to talk to, but I did find myself wishing there was someone around even though I didn’t want to talk, just being there. It’s hard to decide what to do, because I want to be in a relationship, but I’m also frightened that I can’t cope with one and, being frum, this would be dating-for-marriage so the idea of just going out with someone for a year or two for fun and to take things slowly is not an option. Instead, I have to panic thinking that I could end up going to another big wedding and I won’t be able to slip away from this one.