It’s always questionable whether one should return to a blog post one regrets after finishing it, or if one becomes a fool returning to his folly (like a dog returning to its vomit, according to Tanakh (the Hebrew Bible). I sort of regret the last post, but I’m leaving it up because I don’t fully regret it. I regret ending on such a pessimistic and self-loathing note, but I do genuinely think I will be alone forever, and jumping through shidduch (matchmaking) hoops becomes harder when I can’t see a positive outcome.
I don’t know why I got into such a dark place this evening. It may be that going to the cinema was a mistake. I always seem to come away from the theatre or the cinema feeling a bit melancholy, but I always assumed it was to do with the content of the play or film or envy of seeing the performers applauded on stage in the case of the theatre and wishing someone would applaud me and my work/life. But maybe it is an autistic thing about noise and sensory overload or a social anxiety thing about crowds. I don’t want to cut yet another thing out of my life, though, especially as I only go to the cinema once or twice a year, the theatre probably even less frequently.
Despite this, today I’m thinking that I’m probably not really on the autistic spectrum at all. I just finished reading another book on Asperger’s (Aspertools) and felt that the advice in there was either obvious things I’ve been doing for years and don’t associate with my possible Asperger’s (break tasks into little steps; write lists) or things that are clearly written for people with much more serious issues than I have which just makes me feel guilty about poor functionality when I might not even be on the spectrum.
Anyway, something overwhelmed me today, whether it was just depression or noise or crowds and I sunk into the usual pit of despair. I shouldn’t have broadcast it all here though. When I’m very depressed, I suppose I just look to provoke a response from people, either to tell me that things will improve, or, better, to agree that they are hopeless (better because I don’t believe they will improve). I shouldn’t play games like this, but I do and have done for years. I was reflecting today that I have long since forgiven the people who hurt me as a child, but I can’t move on from the feelings of being worthless and hopeless that they created. I do worry that if I got married, not only would I not be able to feel any better, I would discount the relationship in the way that, when the depression is bad, I find it hard to remember that my parents love me and that I do have a few friends who seem to like me at least a bit. To be fair, I don’t think I really did that when I was in a relationship or when I was in a semi-relationship this summer. Also, I find it harder to discount relationships when someone is actually there being friendly or loving to me. This is why it’s so problematic that most of my friends live away from London.
I ate dinner and watched Doctor Who (which I wouldn’t normally do after spending three hours in the cinema, but I was desperate) and felt a bit better. I have started to write my shidduch profile. So far I’ve just done the personal details, which took long enough. The actual who-I-am-and-what-I’m-looking-for bit will have to wait, although I can just edit from previous online dating profiles. In the end I decided to leave out a lot of information about my family. If I’m asked for it, I will give it, but it was intrusive enough having to give my parents’ names and shul affiliation. I wasn’t going to list their educational background just to feel even more of a useless ba’al teshuva (penitent, but in this context someone raised non-religious who became religious later in life). I already feel bad that I haven’t got a yeshiva on there and that my secondary school, although Jewish and Orthodox, was not at all religious. Even going to Oxford seems like a bad thing in this context. A frum person would have gone to a London university so he could stay with his parents in a frum community – or not gone to university at all, of course. I do at least have rabbis for references, but it probably looks suspicious that I don’t have any references who are “friends, roommates, chavrusas (study partners)”. I don’t have many friends, almost none I could ask to give me a reference and almost all my friends are problematic in frum terms, being not frum, not Jewish or not male (I’m not sure which of these would be worst).
On the plus side, I have discovered that I have the contact details for eight rabbis plus one rabbinic trainee. Nearly a minyan. If I ever get arrested, I’m going to have so many character witnesses! Of course, shidduch dating also requires character references, for much the same reason.
Anyway, this was supposed to be an apology post, but it has mutated into another general post, even though I was trying to stop posting twice a day. Also, it’s twenty past eleven and I was originally planning to get an early night, ha ha.