This is basically picspam, but with too many digressions. Here goes…
I slept for about eleven hours again last night/this morning and woke up feeling incredibly exhausted and depressed after an anxiety dream about work, too exhausted really even to move, struggling to eat breakfast and get dressed. My holiday is nearly over (I go back to work on Wednesday) and I don’t feel at all rested and relaxed. I’ve hardly been out the flat for two weeks, which isn’t good. I didn’t feel up to doing much exercise, which is bad, and I didn’t get any opportunity to socialise, except with family. I ran into an acquaintance while shopping yesterday; just talking for a few minutes in the street seemed positive. Unfortunately, virtually all my friends live outside of London. I’m just struggling to get through all the chores I’m supposed to be doing. I did at least send my shidduch (dating) profile to the shadchan (matchmaker) for people with health issues yesterday. I hope that wasn’t a mistake.
I don’t really want to write another repetitive blog post about feeling depressed, so I thought I would experiment with embedding photos in a blog post for the first time. I took some photos of my flat. I can’t post photos of myself because of my anonymity, but I thought I could show you what I see while writing these posts or just while sitting and feeling depressed.
I live in a converted garage. It’s my landlords’ garage, not my parents’, as some people assume, although my parents live about a fifteen minute walk away. This is the less than enthralling view from my only clear window (the other windows are frosted so no one can see in.
No wonder I struggle to get up and out in the mornings.
The inside of my flat. I’m not allowed to put anything on the walls. I originally left the wardrobe doors blank too, but it felt too much like living in prison cell or padded cell, just stark white blankness so I put up the posters (Doctor Who and Ghostbusters). The other papers stuck to the doors are printed off quotes from other people saying positive things about me in emails or blog comments that I periodically print out and stick up to try to boost my self-esteem. The photos in the photo frames on top of the wardrobe are family photos, except for one photo I took myself of the Kotel (Western Wall in Jerusalem, the holiest site in Judaism) at twilight that I really like. The big books on top of the cupboard are Hebrew-English and Aramaic-English dictionaries. Most of my books are at my parents’ house. About 50 are here, in the cupboard, but I had to take the dictionaries out to make more room for other books.
All the Doctors! This poster is already out of date. Ah well…
My teeny tiny kitchenette. I also have a microwave/convection oven, toaster and kettle, not in shot, so I’m more or less OK for any cooking I might want to do, it’s just cramped and I have to think strategically when getting out a lot of ingredients to have enough surfaces.
This one is for two people who know who they are.
OK, picspam over.
I have at least managed to do a few things today:
- Cleaned the flat for the first time in too long. It took a long time and I had to keep stopping for breaks, but I did it.
- Replied to the invitation to a friend’s wedding that I can’t go to because I can’t take time off work. I was procrastinating over sending this reply. I’m not sure if it was because I was worried he would be upset I can’t go or because I can’t cope with more people getting married and leaving me alone.
- Tried to book for my shul‘s (synagogue’s) Friday night communal dinner in a few weeks. Something went wrong (internet connection problems? I had them a while back, had to have my software reinstalled and have had them again since Microsoft ran an update a few weeks ago) and it didn’t work, so I’ve got to try again in a few days, once I’m sure that there was no transaction. This is frustrating. Having summoned up the courage to do this (I’ve seen the list of who has booked so far and I’m 99% sure I’m the only unmarried person over the age of twenty going – it’s billed as a “Family” event), it’s frustrating that it didn’t work, but I did at least try. I will try again soon.
- Five minutes of Torah study. I would have liked to have done more, but my limited energy reserves went on cleaning the flat instead.
- Checked online and discovered that I don’t really need to pay more National Insurance contributions for the years I was too depressed to work, which is good. And I was glad I managed to get the HMRC website to work properly this time, having realised I misunderstood one of the questions they were asking me when I tried this a few weeks ago.
- Spent half an hour adding birthdays, anniversaries, yortzeits (death anniversaries), school holidays and Yom Tovim (Jewish festivals) to my 2018 diary, plus notes to buy cards or phone parents where relevant. If I don’t do this, I forget all this stuff. I suppose I ought to work out how to put all this on my phone, although I’d still have to enter Jewish festivals and school dates manually every year (I’m running on three calendars: Jewish, academic and Gregorian-with-British-public-holidays). But I prefer them in hard copy, where I can see them easily when entering things in my diary.
- Went into a panic at the amount of time I’m going to need off for Yom Tovim during term-time in September for the autumn festivals right at the busiest time of the academic year and panicking that I won’t be allowed to take them off and will have to resign (the Muslims only ask for one or two days off a year, the Christians get theirs automatically), then thinking I should be more worried that I might not even have a job after my contract expires in April, then worrying about being made unemployed and not getting the time off for Yom Tov even though the two worries are mutually exclusive.
- Oh, and spent too long reading about the politics behind Doctor Who Magazine and how it’s probably about to become much less interesting, then feeling bad for searching for gossip.
I’m now feeling awake and reasonably good for the first time today and ready to do things. The problem is, it’s 11.30pm and I should be going to bed to get in to a better sleep pattern for going back to work…