I feel terrible. Part of me wants to cry, but I feel too emotionally drained. My brain is just not working; my head feels like it’s stuffed with cotton wool. Too depressed and tired to do anything, even cook dinner. I’m not sure I’ve even got the energy to eat dinner. I want to go for a walk, but it’s too late and I’m too tired.
I tried contacting friends (well, a friend) and family, but everyone is busy with their lives and no one seems to really understand how I feel. I don’t seem to be able to explain myself in such a way that anyone can understand me in real life, and probably not here either. Anyway, I feel I should be able to look after myself without help from others.
I feel my life is falling to pieces. I don’t know how I’m going to get through the next term. I don’t know how I’m going to avoid getting fired or at least not having my contract renewed. Away from work, the shadchan (matchmaker) hasn’t got back to me yet. I guess two days isn’t that long, but I’m worried it means that I’m too ‘modern’ for her clientele and she’s quietly dropping me.
It’s hard to think of anything in my life that I really enjoy or find meaningful. I try to tell myself I do have friends and family who care, but they often seem to be far away, literally or in terms of personality, outlook and understanding. I still feel like the little lost child.
On days like this, just surviving seems a great achievement, but it’s hard to tell other people that. Depression is supposed to be an easily treatable illness, but I seem to have been stuck with it for fifteen or twenty years. It’s hard to keep going when everything seems to stay the same, year after year. Even when things do change (like my job), my mood seems to stay terrible. I hate my life, but I don’t know how to change it. I feel like I’ve tried everything short of ECT. I honestly don’t know what to do any more.
I just shaved, which I hadn’t done since Sunday. Dinner (plain pasta, that’s all I could make) is cooking. But every movement feels like walking barefoot on broken glass while carrying rocks. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with my life to be ‘normal’/’healthy’ like everyone else.