I feel terrible.  Part of me wants to cry, but I feel too emotionally drained.  My brain is just not working; my head feels like  it’s stuffed with cotton wool.  Too depressed and tired to do anything, even cook dinner.  I’m not sure I’ve even got the energy to eat dinner.  I want to go for a walk, but it’s too late and I’m too tired.

I tried contacting friends (well, a friend) and family, but everyone is busy with their lives and no one seems to really understand how I feel.  I don’t seem to be able to explain myself in such a way that anyone can understand me in real life, and probably not here either.  Anyway, I feel I should be able to look after myself without help from others.

I feel my life is falling to pieces.  I don’t know how I’m going to get through the next term.   I don’t know how I’m going to avoid getting fired or at least not having my contract renewed.  Away from work, the shadchan (matchmaker) hasn’t got back to me yet.  I guess two days isn’t that long, but I’m worried it means that I’m too ‘modern’ for her clientele and she’s quietly dropping me.

It’s hard to think of anything in my life that I really enjoy or find meaningful.  I try to tell myself I do have friends and family who care, but they often seem to be far away, literally or in terms of personality, outlook and understanding.  I still feel like the little lost child.

On days like this, just surviving seems a great achievement, but it’s hard to tell other people that.  Depression is supposed to be an easily treatable illness, but I seem to have been stuck with it for fifteen or twenty years.  It’s hard to keep going when everything seems to stay the same, year after year.  Even when things do change (like my job), my mood seems to stay terrible.  I hate my life, but I don’t know how to change it.  I feel like I’ve tried everything short of ECT.  I honestly don’t know what to do any more.

I just shaved, which I hadn’t done since Sunday.  Dinner (plain pasta, that’s all I could make) is cooking.  But every movement feels like walking barefoot on broken glass while carrying rocks.  I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with my life to be ‘normal’/’healthy’ like everyone else.

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5 thoughts on “Crying for Help

  1. I’m right there in the abnormal/unhealthy category with you. Give ECT some thought. It’s helped me before, and I’d do it now except I just don’t have a babysitter available to take me home and keep an eye on me as they insist on with outpatient ECT.

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    1. Thanks for commenting.

      I’ve thought about ECT before. The doctors here in the UK are extremely reluctant to authorise it, in my experience, unless you really can’t function and fortunately I’m not usually at that stage. During term time (I work in a college library) I seem to be OK; it’s just the holiday time that is difficult. I’m back and work today and feeling quite a bit better.

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  2. I’m so very sorry to hear that. Sending you metaphorical hugs xx. Have you tried the magnesium/ zinc/ vitamin B6/omega 3 tablets or the light box? Please don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re a good, nice, clever person who doesn’t deserve all this. You are doing so well for keeping yourself going through all of this. I’ve been where you are now and the amount of perseverance and strength of character it takes to keep going when you’re like th
    is is huge, so pat yourself on the back for it.

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  3. Thanks for commenting and for the hugs!

    I looked in to getting a light box, but I wasn’t sure how I would find the time to sit in front of it on workdays. I found one psychiatric website that suggested that alarm clocks that imitate sunrise are nearly as effective as light boxes, so I’ve bought one and been trying it for the last few days. It’s been variable: some days helpful, some days not. Today it seems to have let me feel more refreshed on waking and more alert during the morning (usually my worst time for depression and fatigue), but I’ll have to wait and see how it works over the coming days.

    I’ve been taking the omega 3 tablets for about six weeks. Not a lot of change, but it’s probably worth sticking with it as I’m practically vegetarian (I only eat meat and fish on Shabbat and Yom Tov), so I’m probably deficient in it anyway. I couldn’t find vitamin B6. I did find zinc, but I didn’t want to start a lot of things at once so I could see what works and what doesn’t. After I’ve been using the sunrise alarm for a few weeks, I will probably try the zinc.

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