I felt quite a lot better today. I went to bed at about 10.20pm last night, because I was too depressed to stay up any longer, even to watch TV. I must have slept for about seven and a half hours. I don’t know whether it was due to that or to my new imitation sunrise alarm clock (which I’ve only had for a few days and am still experimenting with to see if it helps my depression, as one psychiatry website said it might), but I woke up feeling quite refreshed, rather than depressed and lethargic as I have been for a long while. I managed to daven (pray) a bit more of Shacharit (the morning prayers) than usual before leaving for work, as I was up earlier and I felt less tired and depressed than usual throughout the morning.
I also want to thank everyone who contacted me after my last post. Some people commented here and my non-biological sisters (I call them that, but we’re not related, just friends and similar in some ways) texted to ask if I wanted to speak, but I was feeling too depressed to communicate other than in brief texts. I worry, when I feel like that, how I would cope in a relationship, where there would be someone around that I would need to interact with. Maybe I am better off single. (On that note: still nothing from the shadchan (matchmaker). I don’t know if that’s good or bad.)
I was fine at work today, but on the way home again my mood dipped, possibly related to blood sugar level. The religious OCD, which has been floating in the background for the last couple of days, threatened to come out again at a few points during the day, although I think I mostly kept it under control. I do still worry sometimes for various reasons that my parents’ house is treif (non-kosher) and my flat is treif. This feeds into my belief that I have no share in Olam HaBa (Heaven), although that’s an overarching belief that goes beyond the specifics of kashrut.
On a more prosaic level, I feel stuck in a rut and unsure what to do. I worry that I’m not in the right job. There isn’t exactly anything wrong with my job, just that I worry that I’m not as happy as I might be, that I shouldn’t have left librarianship in higher education for further education or even that it’s too difficult to keep Shabbat (the Sabbath) and Yom Tov (the festivals) in this career. But I don’t know what else I could do. I’m not really very qualified for anything, even regardless of my mental health issues, which are still there in interactions with staff and students. I would say that I feel stuck in my career, but I’m not sure I have a career, just a job. I think my sister and my brother-in-law have a much clearer idea of where they want to be in five years than I do.
I don’t even know if my job is the problem. It might not be. It’s just that my job is really the only thing in my life at the moment, so it’s easy to get fixated on changing it. I don’t have friends I see regularly, I don’t really have hobbies, I’m semi-detached from my religious community, I see my parents on Shabbat only and my sister more rarely. I don’t really know where I’d like to be in five years, except employed and hopefully (but improbably) married. Occasionally crazy thoughts come into my head like making aliyah (moving to Israel), going to study in yeshiva (rabbinical seminary, not necessarily for a career) or retraining as something else entirely. None of these possibilities are particularly likely; aliyah is the most likely, which gives you an idea of how remote the others are, particularly as I have told myself that, while part of me would like to make aliyah, I would never do it while single (notwithstanding knowing English people who made aliyah and then married someone originally from somewhere else entirely) and possibly not while feeling so worried about the whole political situation in the Middle East.
I avoided buying chocolate when I did my shopping on the way home. I am not sure if this is good. In the year that I have been taking clomipramine, I have gone from heading towards being underweight to being very nearly overweight without really changing my eating habits. Clomipramine tends to do this to people. I didn’t eat much junk except on Shabbat anyway; now I try to cut it out entirely except Shabbat, when admittedly I eat too much, largely because my parents insist on putting lots out, despite my requests not to do so. I don’t know if I eat it out of boredom or anxiety or just because it’s there and I’m not distracted from it. So cutting out junk during the week should be positive, but it just makes me feel more miserable because that was something that gave me a tiny bit of pleasure and now that’s gone too and what do I have left in my life to enjoy? Doctor Who, I suppose, despite my misgivings about the way the new series is going, and the fact that my viewing of old episodes for research for my book has gone past a lot of my favourite episodes now. Sigh.