I’ve had an awful twenty-four hours. It’s hard to indicate how disturbed and agitated my thoughts have been. I don’t want to write in detail and worry everyone… but then, I do feel the need to reach out. Then again, even if I wanted to, I doubt I could replicate the fast, choppy, agitated and often visual thoughts going through my head this afternoon.
Picking up from yesterday’s post I was very depressed before going to bed. I didn’t really want to do my hitbodedut spontaneous prayer; in the end I did a few minutes before giving up. I think I went to bed around 11pm, but I couldn’t sleep and ended up getting up and watching Doctor Who and somehow getting a stomach ache from I don’t know what.
The bottom line was that I overslept this morning and didn’t have time to daven (pray). I got to work before 9am, so I was able to say the Shema and the Amidah and Alenu prayers in the little conference room, but I couldn’t put on tallit and tefillin today. On the train in, I was too depressed to read (either Mishnah or recreational reading) or to listen to music. I just sat with my eyes scrunched shut. I wondered if I was losing my ability to be frum (religious). If I believe in God and the Torah surely it should follow automatically that I would at least try to be frum, but apparently not. It’s as hard to do it now as when the religious OCD was at its worst, but this time with no obvious reason.
I struggled through the morning feeling shattered and having great difficulty concentrating, but it was afternoon when everything really went wrong. I kept texting myself brief notes of what I was thinking, primarily to write this post, but it strikes me that I do have a timecoded record of my thoughts in case I decide to go to a doctor about this.
Shortly after I got back from lunch at 2pm, I was still struggling to concentrate and feeling exhausted (so no energy boost from lunch). My anxiety spiked and I started worrying that I was going to be fired or even be arrested. I haven’t really mentioned this here, but as well as OCD worries about kashrut and other Jewish things, I have anxieties that I might have committed a crime without realising it and I’m going to get arrested for it, or that I will commit a crime or a sackable offence at work. Mixed in with this were some more or less rational worries about the political situation, but the OCD and related anxieties were more worrying for coming out of nowhere and dominating. OK, not quite nowhere, as they are clearly based on my experience last week of my boss finding out about my blog, but these types of thoughts had been dormant for a while and I thought I had largely beaten them.
Shortly afterwards, I was crying and thinking about resigning my job. I can’t remember why this seemed like a good idea, but it was probably because I feel I just can’t cope with it. I was the only person in the office at this point; I didn’t want to be seen crying… but part of me did, just to get it out in the open.
By half-past three, I was feeling the feeling I refer to as being ‘sunk’, when I feel like a sunk ship at the bottom of the sea, unable to move or do anything. I was feeling overwhelmed by despair. Strangely, I was still working with this going on in the background. I would work for a few minutes, struggle with my thoughts for a bit, work some more… I think the amount of cataloguing I did wasn’t particularly bad. I doubt my boss will complain or think anything amiss if I don’t tell her what a bad time I was having.
It was around this time (3.40pm) that I was having thoughts of hurting myself. Either actual thoughts of self-harm and later of suicide, or images of being beaten up by my doppelganger. The thoughts were vivid enough to make me wince sometimes. I can’t remember at what point I started thinking about overdosing on my medication, but it persisted through the afternoon.
By the time I finished work at 5pm, I was having intense thoughts of hurting myself/being hurt and of suicide. I usually phone my parents most days, but I didn’t phone them yesterday and I was trying to think of how to avoid phoning them today, because I feel I have let them down, and that I’ve let the college I work for down too. I feel I’ve pretty much let everyone down and that I’m not really capable of doing anything right.
Then on the way home I was reminded of a major mistake I made fifteen years ago… the story is too long, not to mention too embarrassing, to mention here, but it makes me feel like I can never escape my mistakes, that they will always come back to haunt me.
I’ve written this down and, as I feared, it sounds fairly rational. What I can’t really communicate is how frightening this is. I know I’m not psychotic, but my thoughts are so agitated and violent, they come so quickly and so (apparently) outside of my control that they frighten me, especially when I start thinking of throwing myself in front of a train or overdosing on my meds, even if I don’t really intend to follow through on those thoughts. It’s the fear that I might have a moment of weakness and act on them.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I can really go to the doctor having had two or three bad days, particularly as I would have to miss work to do so, possibly most of a day, as I would be an emergency appointment squeezed in when they had time. And getting time off for an appointment means telling my boss and, realistically, my parents (a) because I tell my parents all my major news and (b) because I’m not sure how much of a fit state I’m in to coordinate making an appointment and getting to it on time without at least having the potential of a lift to the doctor if I’m running late. I do feel like I’ve let everyone down.
Then there’s the question of what would happen if I did go to the doctor. I do have a sympathetic GP, but I know from experience that there isn’t much he can do for me when I’m in distress, but not actually hurting myself. He might refer me back to the psychiatrist, but there’s a waiting list for that. He might send the crisis team round, but they’re completely inadequate. I’ve been here before. All they do is turn up some time during the day to make sure you haven’t killed yourself in the last twenty-four hours. They’re useless timekeepers too: if they say that they will come at 10.00am, they could turn up at any time from 10.00 to 3.00pm… unless you assume they’re coming late and stay in bed, in which case they’ll arrive at 9.30am. To be fair I can see that their day would be hard to schedule, but it makes carrying on with work and my routine difficult even though the main thing they say is to carry on with one’s routine and work. So that would require more time off work.
I’d rather go to work if I can, given that I think being off work for two weeks was what triggered this episode, or at least worsened it. I’d like to ask for something to be made easier, but I don’t know what is both a “reasonable adjustment” that work will agree to, and which doesn’t render my job meaningless. What upsets me about work is screwing everything up, so reducing the workload isn’t going to make that fear go away, because however little I do, I will still be afraid of screwing it up. I could potentially ask to be kept off the issue desk for a while, as that’s the most anxiety-inducing part of the job, but (a) I think that might go beyond “reasonable adjustment”, (b) it would advertise to all my colleagues that I have issues and (c) I don’t think running away is a particularly good strategy.
So I feel fairly stuck. I don’t feel as agitated as I did earlier, when I was worried that I would become suicidal, but at the same time, I sometimes feel it would be better if I stayed agitated and fantasising of self-harm because that would be easier to deal with than having my mood change all the time.