Just a quick note to say that I had a lot of anxiety at work again today. I felt like I was going to start shaking while talking to my boss and while talking to students. I didn’t, but I’m not quite sure how I avoided it. There’s some stuff that I don’t want to talk about publicly that upset me too.
I went to my shiur (Torah class). I was wondering if I should tell the assistant rabbi, who gives the shiur, about my mental health, as part of my attempts to open up a bit more about it to people, especially at shul (synagogue). It was academic, as when I got there he was struggling with his printer and by the time he gave up and decided to use his ipad for his source sheet, other people had turned up and I’m not ready to make such a public declaration. Some of what he said is sort of relevant to what I’ve been brooding over lately, about having no share in Olam HaBa (the Next World) and he looked right in my eyes when he said some of it, which was a bit unnerving (I guess this is as close as I get to the miracles that people talk about on Hevria.com), but I think I need time to process it before I say anything here.
One last thing: I realised today that my depression is a moody adolescent, despairing, self-pitying and sometimes angry, but my anxiety is an anxious little child, I guess about four years old. I hope that isn’t too twee or silly. I think my therapist will appreciate it when we speak tomorrow. I actually have as my computer wallpaper a photo of me age three years old and my sister aged six months. The photo is an old analogue one that my Dad scanned and the resolution isn’t really good enough for full screen, so it looks a bit pixellated, unless you stand further away from it, but I keep it there because I like it. We’re wearing matching New York outfits that my uncle bought for us. I have my arm around my sister, less from brotherly love and more because she hadn’t got the hang of the whole ‘sitting upright’ thing and was prone to falling over if left unsupported for more than a few seconds. I like the photo because I’m smiling, really beaming. That happiness would ebb away with the stresses of the coming years, but in that photo I’m happy and I like that.