It turned out that I didn’t have the tinned tomatoes I needed for the chilli I was going to cook and it was too late to buy them, so I went to see my parents, sister and brother-in-law. Unfortunately, the conversation was mostly about work stress and weddings (my sister’s and other people’s), and I got a bit overwhelmed by the noise, even though there were only five of us, so I just felt more depressed and maybe anxious and consequently ate too much of my Mum’s homemade chocolate cake.
On days like this, I don’t know how I can cope indefinitely. The ‘stuckness’ feeling comes back and I can’t see any end to this endless routine of work-anxiety-eat-sleep-work-anxiety-eat-sleep-weekend-shul-eat-depression-sleep-work… except, eventually, death. I don’t feel suicidal right now, but it’s hard to see anything good in my life. As I’ve said, I don’t get any joy out of my religious practices, I don’t really have long-term career plans, nor can I see myself ever having the family life I want and even writing books on Doctor Who seems like a dream, albeit one I’m actually working on at the moment.
Stay calm. Remember to breathe. Try to ignore the voices saying, “Nobody likes you. Nobody cares about you. You can’t cope. You’re screwing everything up.” Keep going.