2.20am I finally got to bed, having been up late eating porridge and watching Doctor Who (but not as much as I wanted) and texting my non-biological twin about stuff that makes me depressed and anxious.
ca12.30pm Woke up. Laid in bed for a bit, feeling anxious about work (see below) and basically wishing I was dead. Got up after a bit.
1.55pm After eating two bowls of cereal, I finally feel a bit awake, although still somewhat tired and rather depressed and also somewhat faint and low blood sugar level-ish. I don’t want to eat lunch in my pyjamas (it just feels wrong), which means gathering my energy to get dressed when I just want to go back to bed and avoid the world. I’m anxious about work stuff and especially about Purim, the upcoming minor Jewish festival, which means I can go to work, but there are extended services in the evening and morning to read Megillat Esther/The Book of Esther so I would like to ask to leave work early/arrive late those days so I can go, but asking makes me nervous. Plus Purim, being basically the nearest thing to Carnival in Judaism, is tough when you’re depressed (I wrote about it last year here, although it turned out to be not as bad as I feared it would).
3.00pm Read some depressing stuff about Donald Trump. Read some stuff about depression that probably should have made me more forgiving of myself, but for some reason rubbed me up the wrong way. I suppose I don’t feel that non-mentally ill, non-autistic people don’t deserve to have their misunderstandings reflected back at them angrily. I don’t think anger really helps anything very much, although I do feel it. Back to bed briefly a couple of times. I feel like a post-regenerative Time Lord in urgent need of a Zero Room.
3.50pm Dressed, at last. But also tearful and still somewhat low blood sugar level-ish. I put on tallit and tefillin and davened Mincha (said afternoon prayers), but it was very difficult, not just impossible to concentrate, but almost impossible even to get the energy to speak.
4.20pm Finally had lunch, while watching the first half of Resurrection of the Daleks. Not the greatest Doctor Who story ever told, but easy enough to watch.
5.20pm Aimless internet browsing. Unfortunately, this ended up getting political and depressing because I end up looking at the sites of political friends in the hope that they post something else. A lot about abuse, which upsets me. Also some stuff that just seemed a bit self-obsessed and unthinking. But I’m just too depressed to get up and do anything else, though.
6.10pm Feel depressed that the day is virtually over and I have done none of the things I intended. No haircut (when am I going to do that? I’m drifting towards the Einstein/Jewfro stage), no shopping done (too late now, so no oranges today), no bank accounts not sorted (another thing being delayed until half-term, two weeks off). I don’t feel able to email my rabbi about talking about dating. It seems pointless anyway, as I don’t feel able to date in this state. I thought about going for a walk, but it is cold and dark out and getting late and I have work tomorrow. I wish it was summer.
6.35pm Skimmed (too depressed to read properly) an article on dating after divorce on Aish. I’m not divorced, but according to this article, I’ve pretty much never been able to date and probably never will be:
Some aspects of healing you can look for include: feeling optimistic more often than feeling depressed; not grieving for what you no longer have [I never had it in the first place!]; being able to let go of your more intense feelings of anger, resentment, and bitterness; and not being preoccupied with thoughts about what was or what could have been. Above all, it’s vital for you… to feel that you’ve developed a new equilibrium and are relatively comfortable in the routine you’ve established… If you want to be in a healthy relationship, one that’s built on a foundation of mutual caring and respect, you have to be able to feel that you are a valuable and deserving person… Do I have a vision for my future?
I fail almost every question! I am seriously messed up and unlovable. I wish God had made me asexual, it would have made things so much easier. Although, if I wasn’t so lonely, I might have been more lovable.
6.50pm Shave. It’s a bit ridiculous shaving at this time of day, but it does make me feel a bit better and this way if I’m too depressed/tired/late to shave tomorrow morning I won’t go into work with three day’s worth of beard, looking a shlokh (mess).
6.55pm Daven Ma’ariv (say the evening prayers) with zero kavannah (concentration, attention) and study Torah for less than five minutes.
19.15pm Cook dinner (vegetarian kedgeree, or rice with curry powder, eggs and sweetcorn. If I had been up to going shopping, I would have bought veggie sausages to replace the tinned tuna in the actual recipe). This is pretty much the easiest recipe I know and has carbohydrates, protein and vegetables and also keeps so I can have it tomorrow too (I usually cook for two days, it’s not much more effort and saves worrying about what to eat the next day).
19.40 Dinner and more Doctor Who.
20.50 Blog on my non-anonymous Doctor Who blog, which was naughty of me when I have done so little and it is getting late.
21.10 Make lunch for tomorrow, pack.
21.30 Mindfulness meditation which went OK, not great) and hitbodedut spontaneous prayer/meditation, which went very bad, hardly spoke, my mind was racing thinking about all the major Bad Things that happened to me in my childhood and adolescence and then when I had a girlfriend, how hurt I’ve been, bullied, emotionally neglected, boundaries ignored, the decades of loneliness and emotional pain that I’m carrying… but then also feeling that I’ve never been the victim of actual abuse or criminal neglect and I have nothing to feel depressed about. Also feeling angry with God, wondering why He does this to me, what have I done wrong? I have done some bad things, but no more so than most people. In any case, my depression started before I was twenty (possibly long before) and there’s an idea in Judaism that you get a period of grace in your teens when you are legally responsible for your actions, but not punished. If you repent before twenty, then your misdeeds are wiped out. I was depressed before I was twenty, so it can’t be a punishment, or not only a punishment. I don’t believe in reincarnation, but some Jews do, so I wondered if I was a reincarnation of someone awful. This did not cheer me up. I drifted deeper into depression and couldn’t speak at all, except odd words and phrases. I punched the wall once, but other than that didn’t even have the energy to self-harm and ended my session a minute or two early because I was just sitting watching the clock and feeling awful.
All in all a pretty awful day, with occasional moments of OKness. I wish I had at least got out of the flat for a bit (other than throwing stuff in the bin).
22.00 Read this back and realised it’s garbage, but too tired to do anything other than hit “Publish!”