I went to bed late again last night. I’m not sure why, probably partly because I slept so much over Saturday, but probably partly because I like sleeping late on non-work days, despite the fact that I should be up earlier for Shacharit (morning prayers) and to get through my ever-growing to do list.
I’m not sure when exactly I woke up or got up. I think I got up around 2.30pm, so I must have woken up somewhat before, as I think I lay in bed for a while. It took me two hours to eat breakfast and get dressed, though, not least because I wrote a thousand word Doctor Who review in the middle for my other blog. It just flowed out. It’s enjoyable to write when it flows like that. I have a vague idea of writing a book of 1-2,000 word reviews of every televised Doctor Who story (which is a lot of stories… the exact number depends on how you count various things but somewhere in the region of 260 and growing), but which also goes off at tangents to explore more personal topics about Doctor Who and its fandom, like why do some fans (me) want the Doctor to be asexual/celibate, what do you do if the Doctor’s/writers’ political or religious views clash with your own or (more pertinently here) why is mental illness presented so badly in the series. I’m not sure if this should be two books or one book (one book of reviews, one of essays or if the more general thoughts are needed to elevate the reviews over all the other reviews available in books and online). I also wonder if I could be published and if it would be better or worse, from a publishing point of view, if I blogged some or all of the reviews first. Of course, I doubt I would get a publisher or a blog audience. I probably should abandon hope of being more ‘really’ published than the little that I already have been.
I do enjoy writing about Doctor Who, and classic British science fiction generally. One of the few things I do enjoy at the moment (mental health blogging is more like meeting an urgent need, like (I have to say it) going to the toilet when really desperate). I suppose, given my current thinking that I should try to do things I enjoy, and particularly try to get paid for them, I should focus on trying to do it more often, but it seems such a bizarre way to spend one’s free time and such an improbable way of earning money. Plus – and this worries me more than it probably should – how would I explain it to people in my community? Some of them surely don’t have a television (too ‘modern’ and corrupting) and those that do probably see it as bedieved, something that is sort of OK as a necessity, to unwind when exhausted, but not something they would have in an ideal world. If I say I’m writing a book, they will assume a sefer, a religious book, or at least a Jewish novel, not a book about a cheap science fiction family TV.
I was supposed to get a haircut, but didn’t, again. I didn’t shave either. I’m going to look like Robinson Crusoe. I wanted to go to see my sister and brother-in-law who are at my parents’ house for dinner, but I don’t have the time or energy. I feel bad, but no one actually asked me what day would be good for me, I was just given the time and told I could come. I would have had a better chance of coming next week (going into half-term), but that didn’t work for my Mum. I think coordinating five people is going to be hard from now on, especially as my sister and brother-in-law don’t want to come for Shabbat (the Sabbath) any more so that they can entertain friends. I feel bad for missing them, but I do also have a life (sort of) and things that I want or need to do with my time and I do have mental health issues that need to be worked around and an introvert/Aspie need for alone time to recharge. I spent the whole of Shabbat with my parents, I need some time to watch TV and chill out before another stressful work week.
There was a ton of other stuff I was supposed to do today. The only thing I’ve done (as of 7.30pm) is email a bunch of shadchanim (matchmakers) who specialise in people with health issues to see if they can help someone who (a) lives in Europe not the USA, (b) has mental health issues rather than physical ones and (c) is on the more ‘modern’ end of the Orthodox spectrum. Out of nine emails, one wouldn’t send and two bounced, which probably isn’t bad going considering I was working from two lists I just found on blogs, one of which was undated and the other of which was eighteen months old. I’ll have to wait and see if anyone can help me, but I feel pessimistic.
I suddenly feel overwhelmed with depression and some anxiety about everything: about dating, about work, about the Jewish festivals coming up in the next two months that are very triggering of depression, social anxiety and religious OCD… I need to quickly cook something basic for dinner (probably pasta with a bought sauce and vegetarian sausages) and do a tiny bit of Torah study, but I just want to curl up and sleep or, failing that, vegetate in front of a DVD.