Today was hard again. I haven’t slept particularly well the last few nights, but I’ve been waking up at 6.00am, which when I’m supposed to wake up, but not being able to actually get up until the last minute, which is 6.45am (the big gap is (a) because I know that I normally sleep through the first few (!!!) alarms and (b) because I hope one day to do the whole of Shacharit (morning prayers) again (about thirty to forty minutes) instead of just ten minutes). I couldn’t do any Torah study on the train because I felt too depressed and was even too depressed to read The Jewish Review of Books, the only other reading matter I had with me. I didn’t feel like listening to music on my iPod, so I just sat silently for three quarters of an hour, ruminating anxiously and depressively.
I felt pretty depressed at work too. It was a struggle to stay alert and concentrate at least vaguely on what I was supposed to do. I find it increasingly hard to believe that my contract will be extended in April. Even putting aside the financial climate and the squeeze on expenditure in state schooling, I feel that everyone thinks I’m incompetent. I certainly feel I’m incompetent. I probably shouldn’t say this aloud in a place that work knows about, but I feel that I’ve already lost this job and it’s pointless to care now.
I did rally a bit in the afternoon (lunch seems to help, but eating is a problem as, for the first time in my life, I’ve over-weight, due to the medication I’m on. This depresses me even more), but then some things online were triggering, posts about fitting in to the frum (religious) Jewish community (or not) and dating. I probably said too much in the comments, as usual. I regret what I say, but not enough to avoid saying it again. I don’t know if I’m a narcissist who needs constant attention or a solipsist who doesn’t believe that other people exist and thinks that writing stuff online is no different to just thinking something, even when posted under my real name, because I’m the only real person in the world.
Such self-doubt brings me on to dating. I emailed nine shadchanim (matchmakers) on a list of shadchanim who specialise in people with health issues on Sunday to see if they could help someone (a) with mental health issues, (b) in the more ‘modern’ part of the community and (c) in the UK. Three emails didn’t send properly. One only deals with people in the US. One turns out not to deal with people with health issues after all. One asked for more details about my “background”, which doesn’t sound encouraging to me; I suspect she’s about to say I’m too modern. I was truthful in my response, though, because I don’t see the point in lying. I don’t want to be set up with Satmarers*. I don’t know what to do if the other three don’t get back to me or can’t help. I could go to Shidduch.Im, which is the European affiliate of Saw You At Sinai (SYAS), which is a sort of cross between an online dating site and a shadchan. I’m sceptical, though. I think I’m too much of a misfit even for the shadchanim to take a chance on me, let alone an actual woman.
* The Satmarer Hasidim are considered one of the most conservative groups in contemporary Judaism, not quite Amish, but very opposed to a lot of the modern world.