I haven’t been to my depression support group for ages, mostly due to being tired and late home from work and/or needing to get up early the next day for work.  As I’m off work tomorrow, I thought about going tonight, but decided I was too tired, especially as they were holding a creative writing class, which I decided I didn’t have the head for.  I was worried that a six hour work day, plus nearly four hours of travelling to and from work (to another campus) plus the trip to and from depression group itself would leave me exhausted and depressed tomorrow.  And, anyway, I didn’t feel that depressed, so I wasn’t sure what I would share.  So I thought I would come home, have something to eat, watch Doctor Who and try to get an early night.

Big mistake.

I came home and spent half an hour or more writing another over-sharing, attention-seeking, drama queening, self-loathing, self-mocking, unfunny, depressive comment on poor Rivki Silver’s Hevria post (Hevria.com is a Jewish religious/cultural website/collective blog I have contributed to.  I don’t know why I seem to pick on Rivki more than anyone else except maybe Elad and Stephanie.  I think I just respond to people who are nice to me, which isn’t very fair).  It’s just an attempt to get people to say they like me or are worried about me (it generally doesn’t work) or that things might work out better than I think or that things really are as bad as I fear (I don’t know which of these I want more.  I want to be told that things could get better, but I never believe it when I am.  Being told things will stay bad at least supports my worldview).  This combines with jealousy on my part,  that other people have lives they like, have families, are doing something useful and worthwhile and are paid to write (on Hevria, which I got rejected from for reasons that were never made entirely clear, as I never cease to remind myself).  I then had to write a second post clarifying the first comment, saying that I was using hyperbole for comic effect.  This was sort of true – it started out as a ‘woe is me’ comment, which I realised and felt guilty about, but couldn’t stop myself writing, so I went deliberately over the top for comic effect, but then thought that no one would see the funny side.

Honestly, it’s a wonder no one at Hevria has had me banned yet.  I almost wish they would, it would stop me embarrassing myself there.  According to Hevria’s Facebook page, nearly 11,000 people follow Hevria on Facebook.  That’s a lot of people for me to embarrass myself in front of every couple of weeks!

I was going to joke that I have punished myself by watching episode two of Timelash, one of the worst ever episodes of Doctor Who, except it ends with the Doctor telling the villain/monster that he’s too ugly to ever get married and no one cares about him (seriously…), so maybe watching it really was a punishment.

No news from any of the shadchanim (matchmakers), which is probably part of what prompted the comment.  I know, I should wait longer.  But I still don’t believe there’s someone out there for me.  Now I don’t even believe there’s a shadchan out there for me, and they get paid!

I feel OKish now.  I discovered that in my rush to get to work this morning, I forgot to take my meds.  Taking that into account, I probably did well just to leave a couple of embarrassing comments and not have a full-scale meltdown.  It probably helped that work was somewhere new and hence distracting, but with few new people around to provoke anxiety and certainly no students, just getting on with cataloguing and doing that at high speed with little time for thought, although now I worry that I made mistakes going at speed.  I just indulged and let myself stay up late, spending over an hour on my non-fiction Doctor Who book, which was actually something really enjoyable for the first time in a while.  I really do need to try to find a way to get paid for writing things I enjoy.

I ought to take down that comment, but I can’t face it.  Maybe I do want someone to email me and say they’re thinking of me.  Plus Disqus won’t let me delete a comment.  I have to manually delete the contents, but it leaves an empty box.  I think I’ve left empty boxes all over Hevria…

One thought on “Hyberbolic Self-Loathing

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