You know the drill: bed late, slept more than ten hours, up late, feeling depressed and depleted (low blood sugar after not eating for ten and a half hours doesn’t help). I should have been doing some thing much more exciting last night than just staying up late writing about (not very good) Doctor Who episodes to end up with this much of a “mental hangover,” the term I use for exhaustion and depression after something fun. But watching and writing about Doctor Who is pretty much the only enjoyable thing in my life right now (oh, I just started re-reading Dracula. That’s good too). Sad.
I feel that there isn’t really anything that I think or do that is uniquely me. Everything I do is done better by someone else. Or done to more acclaim, which isn’t always the same thing. Even my Doctor Who book, which is about the best thing in my life at the moment (pathetic I know) is mediocre at best, especially when compared with other writers who, I feel, vocalise their political biases too much (Doctor Who fandom has long been very political) and don’t do enough research and make whopping mistakes. Certainly I don’t have a hope of getting so many readers, if I even manage to get published.
I have ideas for stories, or at least images that might be made into stories, but I don’t know what to do with them. The stories I used to write were really rubbish. As someone who is probably somewhat autistic and alexithymic (unable to feel or describe emotions), I feel that I could never empathise with a character to accurately describe their mental state. I can’t even describe my own mental state as well as I would like.
I feel inadequate and inauthentic. Like nothing I do is really good or really me. When am I going to see the real, unique, me? Or is the real me just rubbish? This blog is, I suppose, as near as I ever get to me, unfiltered, outside of my head. And it’s garbage (and no one reads it).
I also feel like giving up on ever getting married. I still haven’t heard back from the shadchanim (matchmakers). I feel that even professional matchmakers have no hope of my ever getting married and I should just give up and accept that I will always be a lonely single virgin. I do wonder what I did to make God hate me so much. Sometimes I wonder if I could have a chance meeting with someone (these do happen, even in the frum (religious) world). But I can’t really see it happening. I’d be too shy to talk to some stranger on the Tube anyway.
There’s a real-life story on Aish.com (I can’t find it right now) about a Jewish guy who was not religious, but who went to Israel. Standing at the Western Wall, the holiest site in Judaism, he asked God to send him a sign that He exists and immediately a guy tapped him on the shoulder and asked if he would like to learn about God in a yeshiva (rabbinical seminary). Which he did, perhaps surprisingly. Then a few months later, while studying in yeshiva in Jerusalem, he saw a Jewish woman in the street who looked “graceful” and prayed to God that he should meet someone like her. A few months later, he finished at yeshiva, went home and went to shul (synagogue) one Shabbat (Sabbath) and saw the exact same woman. Turned out they lived in the same city. They dated (they were allowed to talk to members of the other sex at kiddush?) and got married. Happy ever after. Stories like this make me jealous and a bit angry. I know what I said a few days ago about not having miracles being greater than having miracles, but couldn’t I have something to be going on with? I believe in God, but I don’t believe in myself and sometimes I feel like I’m holding on to halakhah (Jewish law) with just the tips of my fingers and I don’t care what happens to me any more because whatever I do, God hates me and I have no share in Olam HaBa (the Next World). Couldn’t I have something to help me? Or does God really hate me so much that he wants to “make my heart heavy” like Pharaoh to stop being frum so He can destroy me completely?
Anyway, I really hate myself today. I have a really long to do list, including getting my hair cut, which is pretty much my most hated thing ever (I hate the intrusion on my personal space and then there’s the fear that I’ll start shaking). I don’t know if I’m going to have the energy or inclination to daven (pray) or do any Torah study. I’m trying really hard not to do what I did yesterday and leave a self-loathing comment ruining the blog of someone I respect. But I really do feel (contrary to what she was writing) that God hates me and wants me to be lonely and miserable forever and it isn’t just a question of waiting for things to go right for me. After eighteen years or more (possibly much more) it’s clear that things are not going to go spontaneously right for me, but also that I’ve tried pretty much everything and nothing helps.
Like I said, I really hate myself today.