I got up surprisingly early this morning considering I didn’t get to bed until 2.00am, so I’m hoping to get the time, amid preparations for Shabbat (the Sabbath) by myself in my flat, to walk round to my parents’ house and leave some of my medication there out of the way of temptation.  I’ll still need to have a week’s worth or so in the flat, though.

A metaphor came to my mind that I originally heard in quite a different context, of being like a climber stuck on a high mountain at night.  If he stops moving,  he will die, but it is dark and cold and he is tired and wants to sleep.  That’s how I feel with my depression.  I know I have to keep moving, but I no longer have the energy or hope to do so.

I made a list last night of things I’ve tried to cope with my depression.  There may be stuff I’ve missed, but I think these are the main things:

  • Working,
  • Volunteering,
  • Being frum (religious),
  • Positive affirmations,
  • Medication.  Lots of medication,
  • CBT,
  • Counselling,
  • Psychotherapy,
  • Vitamins,
  • Exercise,
  • Socialising (a bit, anyway),
  • Opening up to people (a tiny bit),
  • A sunlight-simulating alarm clock,
  • Dating,
  • Prayer (set, spontaneous, Hebrew, English),
  • Meditation/mindfulness,
  • Phoning the Samaritans,
  • Keeping a diary and blogging.

Also, things I would like to try, but have not been able to:

  • Taking vitamin B6,
  • Using a light box.

I feel the only things I haven’t tried are alternative medicine and segulot (protective charms or rituals), as I don’t believe in either of them.

This is why I feel rather pessimistic when people suggest something that I should do to deal with the depression, because I’ve usually tried it already or if I haven’t, then I don’t feel particularly confident that it will work when nothing else has done.

Today the world feels set up for mentally stable, neurotypical people and not for those with depression, social anxiety or Asperger’s Syndrome, let alone all three.  It’s going to be an effort just to go to shul (synagogue) for an hour this evening, let alone to do anything more social or energy-depleting.

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