Today was a rotten day. I felt I was failing at work. I spent much of the day alone in the library office crying, struggling to work. I don’t know which of these (the feelings of failure and the crying) is the cause and which the effect. My boss operates on the system of not praising achievement, but criticising failure, so I don’t know if the fact I haven’t been told I’m doing things wrong means that I’m not doing things wrong or she just hasn’t noticed my mistakes yet, especially as she’s been at one of our other colleges much of the time for the last few weeks. I feel like I’m doing tons of stuff wrong and am going to get told off sooner or later. I almost wish they would tell me my contract isn’t being renewed past the summer and put me out of my misery.
I sent a text on the way home today that read: I feel like a loser, a freak and a failure. I can’t do my job, I don’t know how to get better, I spend the whole time at work crying, I think God hates me, I don’t know how to stay frum (religious) and I don’t know how to stop the suicidal thoughts and keep going.
I do need to find away out of the depression before I hurt myself and I need to find a way out of the social anxiety, because I keep causing problems through not asking questions or raising issues. But I don’t have a clue how, because I do feel like I’ve tried everything possible (except some problematic medications and ECT; I’ve tried to get the latter, but the NHS is reluctant to prescribe it).
I wrote a whole post about my issues, but I realised I’ve said it all before. I’m sorry. I’m boring myself. I’d be as happy as anyone – more! – if someone could find me a genuine way out of depression and social anxiety and genuine coping strategies for what may or may not be autism/Asperger’s, but which is certainly disruptive of the life I want. But so far no one can and I’m stuck on a loop. I’ve compared myself to Humpty Dumpty here before, but when I fell off the wall, I broke really well. Yolk everywhere. Can’t be put together again.