Today was a somewhat stressful day. I didn’t want to write about it, but I thought the way I left things yesterday meant that I should, especially as I might not get time to write tomorrow.
Yesterday I phoned the Samaritans (UK crisis line) after I found myself counting how many pills I had in the flat, just out of curiosity, I told myself, to see if I could overdose. I actually tried to phone my sister first, but couldn’t get hold of her. I spoke for about half an hour, which was good, but by the end I was exhausted and just wanted to crash, but then I needed a shower and to make my lunch and pack for today and do my meditation and hitbodedut and then I got hungry, so I was still late to bed.
Today I was exhausted, which is not surprising because (a) I have only had seven or so hours of sleep for the last few nights (I need at least eight if not nine) and (b) because being severely depressed and suicidal is more exhausting than you might think. I struggled to get to work despite transport trouble, then I struggled to get through work despite exhaustion and difficult students. I did less of the main part of my job than I would have liked (dealing with students is not supposed to be the main part), but at least I tried my best with the students.
Then a Christian guy tried to proselytise me when I was doing my shopping in the supermarket. This always annoys me more than it should. It annoys me that visible Jews (which basically means religiously-dressed ones) are singled out for this, even though we’re probably the least likely people to be convinced and even though Judaism is a non-proselytising religion. I didn’t really need it after a stressful day.
Anyway, I’m writing mainly because I probably won’t get time to write tomorrow. I’m hoping to get to my depression support group for the first time in months. It depends on my parents being awake enough to give me a lift, though (they are flying back to the UK tonight), because if I go on public transport I won’t have time to have dinner before going out. It’s a shame I have to miss shiur (Torah class) to go, as shiur is really my only social activity, but I think this is more important this time. Then on Friday morning I’m seeing my doctor about increasing my medication and talking to my therapist about what we can do about my social anxiety. Hopefully we can think of something to do that I haven’t tried so far.