(The title is another Hoosiers quote. To be honest, the whole song could be written about me e.g. “You can’t see past the worst case scenario/You’d be happy at this stage if you’d stayed in bed/I pray one day I’ll live to see you break a smile” and especially the bit about the only love you get is unrequited.)
I had a feeling I might have spoken to soon by saying I could post in the afternoon as I was feeling OK. I sunk back into depression around 4.00pm or 5.00pm. My flat seems dark and unwelcoming (I did wonder if a light bulb had blown, but it’s just dark). I did manage to do some chores, but not as many as I would have liked. Anxiety about Pesach (Passover) and it’s many difficult laws came back, although it has been lurking for a while (I’m worried about practical things – getting the time to help my parents with cleaning and kashering and preparing things to say at the seder – as much as OCD about not kashering things properly). At least I texted the assistant rabbi of my parent’s shul (synagogue) asking for the details of the shadchan (matchmaker) his wife suggested, but felt depressed about the whole thing. I also cleaned the flat, albeit not as well as I would have liked; the bathroom in particular needs a more thorough clean than it’s likely to get before Pesach, the fridge drawer could do with washing out and I’m fighting a constant running battle with mould everywhere. But at least the basic requirements of hygiene have been met. Dinner had to be couscous (the large kind) and vegetables out of a packet, though, because I ran out of the time and energy to cook anything else.
A friend I haven’t seen for years emailed this morning, and I was pleased and responded, but it also made me feel bad for not getting on with my life the way she had done and other people do, as well as prompting more wondering about my friendships with people that my community might not approve of (women, non-religious Jews, non-Jews, etc.) and my unwillingness either to sacrifice my friendships to gain acceptance in the community or, on the other hand, to boldly state to the community, “This is me, accept me or reject me, I don’t care which, but I know who I am and I’m not changing.” Both of these options (cutting off friends or deliberately flouting the community’s norms) seem morally wrong, but doing neither leaves me hiding aspects of my life from everyone except my immediate family and my blog and its readers (including a couple of friends who read it).
I feel lonely, but too exhausted and self-hating to contact any friends (aside from the one I wrote to earlier). I just haven’t got the energy to contact anyone and feel too irritating, annoying and self-centred for anyone to want to talk to me and too scared of upsetting people. I also feel pessimistic: even if text or email someone, chances are they will be out or too busy to respond. It’s one of those sorts of days.
It scares me that my mood can plummet so totally like this even when I seemed to be on the upswing. It just reminds me that I haven’t had more than six months at a time of being psychologically ‘healthy’ (whatever that means) for fifteen years or more. I suppose the fact that it happens on days when I don’t have work for distraction (chores at home aren’t the same) and am not around other people (I usually spend Friday nights and Saturdays with my parents) indicates that it’s imperative that I should try to find more work if my contract doesn’t get renewed, preferably with other people, and that my father might be right that dating will help me, although it still feels wrong to me to date when I feel like this even some of the time. But this just makes my fears that I’m unemployable and unmarriable more pointed, as well as heightening my confusion about what line of work I should be in. Perhaps I will feel better at work tomorrow, although I’m already apprehensive about meeting the new library temp on Tuesday, even though she’s only here for a month and I will only see her on two days a week during that time.
I do feel like I have two lives, my Monday to Thursday life, where I’m completely focused on work to the exclusion of all else (except a little bit of work on my book at lunch) and just plough through my depression and anxiety, somehow, and my Friday to Sunday life, where I try to do chores and frum (religious) things like shul and Torah study, but tend to get overwhelmed by negative emotions. Only my Thursday evening shiur (Torah class) seems to get the best of both worlds, and I feel vaguely functional and liked there.
At times like this, I sound like various people who have been in my life in different ways at different times, who are overwhelmingly negative, except that while they are negative about everyone and everything other than themselves, I’m negative only about myself, the things I do (or don’t do) and the things I expect to happen to me. This probably annoys everyone else as much as their negativity drained me, but I don’t know how to change it.