I realised that I can’t date before Pesach, from a practical point of view, because I’m going to be too busy with Pesach preparations over the next three weeks, so that resolves one problem, although I have no idea how I will decide if I’m ‘ready’ to date afterwards, or what ‘ready’ even means in this context, as I don’t think I know any more.

I’ve asked so many people for advice and just got confused.  And saying, “Follow your heart” doesn’t help either, because that’s confused too.  Part of me wants to try to find a wife right now, but part of me thinks that I’m too mentally ill for anyone to be able to love me and I should postpone even looking for years until I might one day be managing my mental health better, even though this increasingly looks like accepting that I won’t be able to have children, which I want more than almost anything in the world.

Part of me wishes I could seek out some prophet or wise man (no offence to my rabbi mentor and other rabbis) who could tell me what to do with some certain knowledge of what God’s plan for me is and what I should do so that I do what He wants.  Or even if I could find out that I will or won’t be happy one day (even if I was happy for just a couple of years at the end of my life, it might be worth it).  Or even just to find out that HaShem (God) loves me and that He is on some level pleased with my inadequate efforts to serve Him.  That would mean so much to me.  But there has been no prophecy for over two thousand years.

I don’t know how I can carry on working in the dark, trying to be a good person and a good Jew, always worried that I’m getting it wrong and that HaShem is angry with Me and regrets having created me.  But we are supposed to be perfect with God, meaning (according to Rashi, quoting the Midrash), “ Conduct yourself with Him with simplicity and depend on Him, and do not inquire of the future; rather, accept whatever happens to you with [unadulterated] simplicity and then, you will be with Him and to His portion.” (translation from Chabad, because I don’t have enough time to translate myself).  It’s hard to trust, though, when it feels like most of my life I’ve been unhappy and struggling to do what I should do; how can I trust that things will get better or that I’m doing what I’m supposed to do?

2 thoughts on “Confusion

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