Yesterday was difficult, but today was somewhat better, so there isn’t much to report. My contract has now officially been extended until the end of the academic year (mid-August, although I assume if the contract is not extended into the 2018-19 year I would finish sometime in late July because I’m only contracted for term time plus a week or so of the school holidays). So that’s good news. Coincidentally, I have an appraisal next week, which I’m a bit anxious about. I just have to keep telling myself that they have chosen to keep me working for them for another three or four months when they could have let me go, had they not been pleased with my work.
I left a drama queeney comment on someone’s blog the other day and rather than ban me (which I probably deserved) the blogger gently suggested that I should stop hating myself so much. Although, as I said there, it’s one thing to know rationally that my self-perception is probably wrong and that excessive guilt and self-flagellation just makes it more likely that I will act out with the behaviours that I’m trying to stop, it’s another to internalise them in a manner that will let me cope with things in a healthy way.
I had an insight tonight that I wanted to share: I have already worked out that my sister’s marriage probably worsened my depression somewhat as my (younger) sister found the happiness I was seeking for myself. But it just occurred to me how much it has destabilised things. My parents get on well with my brother-in-law and also with his family, so it feels like my family has suddenly more than doubled in size (brother-in-law, his parents, his sister, his brother, sister-in-law and their four young children) to the extent that many of them are coming to us over Pesach (Passover). So it feels like the whole family dynamic has changed and I don’t know where I fit any more. Obviously my parents aren’t really going to replace me with my brother-in-law, but, given that I have family attachment/abandonment issues going back to childhood, it isn’t really surprising that this should have affected me so much.