Shabbat (the Sabbath) was a mixed bag. On Friday night I chickened out of wishing “Gut Shabbos” to the rabbis at shul (synagogue), which seems like a small thing, but is something I struggle with every week, even though just a couple of months ago it was something I could do without thinking, so every week that I fail to do it, I feel bad. I did, however initiate conversation with an acquaintance and spoke confidently and not about my mental health, so I guess there was some positive in there. There was some tension at home over dinner, partly from my saying the wrong thing, partly as a result of a build up of tension about my parents not telling me things and the new family dynamic now that my sister is married and my difficulty adjusting to that and feeling that I’m being pushed away by people I don’t know and trust yet. There wasn’t a blazing row, it just got tense for a bit, but at least it was one of those discussions that does genuinely clear the air, rather than people just shouting or sulking and nothing changing. I do feel somewhat better about having my sister’s in-laws over for seder in a fortnight.
I did, however, sleep for twelve hours last night, miss shul again and then doze for another two hours this afternoon, which is not good, as I won’t sleep tonight and I wanted to try to go to shul today. I don’t know what to do about this. I don’t know if I sleep extra long at the weekend because I’m sleep-deprived (I get seven or eight hours most weekday nights, but my depressed body/psyche demands more) or because of depression (depression has historically made me sleep longer) and social anxiety (I sleep to avoid shul). I think that knowing which of these it is might help me to work out how to change it, but I don’t know how to work that out. I am at least hoping that as the days get longer I might sleep less, as I think I hibernate more in winter.
This evening, after Shabbat has been taken up with Pesach (Passover) preparations, cleaning kitchen cupboards and reading some of Rabbi Lord Sacks’ introduction to his Pesach Mahzor (Passover Prayerbook) as intellectual preparation and looking for ideas to share at the seder. I am a bit nervous at how to pitch the sederim this year, as we have so many people who haven’t been to us for seder before and a real mix of intellectual and religious levels. It doesn’t help that I have left things late for various reasons, not least my mental health, and there isn’t much time left to plan things.
My Dad spoke to the assistant rabbi and his wife at his shul today about the contact details of the shadchan (matchmaker) they had promised to send me. They sent that on after Shabbat. I have no plans to do anything about it until after Pesach. I don’t know what I’ll do after that. I was more hopeful about the matchmaking service my sister mentioned, that matches people according to their values, but as my Dad says, I can go to both. I just don’t know whether I should be dating at all. My therapist has made me wonder if I’m too depressed and messed up to be able to date. Not worried that no one will accept me because of my mental health (although that is a fear), just that I’m not well enough to go through the process of dating. The problem is that I can’t see myself being much better than this in the foreseeable future and I would like to be married and have children, and feel very conscious of running out of time for that.