I had a thought about feeling that HaShem (God) hates me and that I have no share in Olan HaBa (the Next World/Heaven). I have known for a long time that these fears are connected with the family trauma I suffered as a young child and from which I have never fully recovered, which made me fear that my parents would abandon me. My feeling that HaShem hates me is holding all my fear and anxiety about that, which I have never been able to express to my parents, because obviously they didn’t actually abandon me, it was just my childlike understanding of the problems that were around at that time, and what happened wasn’t their fault and I don’t want them to blame themselves for my issues by opening up to them about this.
I realised that the Pesach (Passover) fears are a precise parallel to this. If one deliberately eats chametz (leaven) on Pesach, one is theoretically liable to karet, which is generally accepted to mean losing one’s share in Olam HaBa (although there are other interpretations. Also, in practice most people probably wouldn’t get such a severe punishment, or at least so I was taught at school). The idea is that one does something so bad that one is completely cut off from HaShem (karet mean literally ‘cut’). For me, this is the equivalent of worrying that my parents would abandon me and so my anxieties got focused on Pesach. No matter that, as one rabbi said to me, to incur karet you have to deliberately and knowingly eat chametz on Pesach; you don’t get it for doing the wrong thing through ignorance of the law or accident. I was just fixated on the fact that we had done our Pesach preparations wrong in the past (through ignorance) and I was worried that we would do them wrong again even if it would be an accident.
Of course, this has now been going on so long that it is mixed up with my feelings that I can’t trust HaShem for other reasons, that I have suffered so long with the depression and other issues that I can’t trust that He will heal me or help me to get married. I don’t know how to resolve this. It is very hard to trust when I feel that I have been struggling certainly all my adult life and, on some level, even for much of my childhood. I don’t know how to achieve the level of bitachon (trust in God) that I should have. Although the funny thing is that it’s only regarding recovering from depression and getting married that I feel like this. I have no problem trusting that I will muddle through somehow financially, despite my somewhat precarious employment position (maybe because I’ve never really been on the breadline, even though my parents have always had to help me), nor do I really worry too much about the survival of the Jewish people, something that historically has never been assured, although I do worry somewhat about serious persecution or another war in Israel. But it’s only about achieving some kind of mental health and managing to get (and stay) married and have children that I feel absolutely pessimistic.