Crazy, difficult day. No time to blog at length, so I’ll just observe:
- I realised I’m struggling with OCD and depression at the moment not just from Pesach (although that’s a big enough trigger by itself), but because I’m spending a lot more time on the issue desk because one of my colleagues has been off sick for two weeks. I find being on the issue desk the most draining, depleting task at work, and I’ve been spending three hours or more each day there, about half my working day. Still, term is over now (staff development day tomorrow, though).
- I have perhaps the worst kind of religious OCD: the kind where deep down I know everything is OK, but I won’t let myself believe it because I don’t think I deserve things to be OK. I nearly messed things up and was saved by ‘chance’ (HaShem/God), but I don’t think I deserve things to be OK so I obsess over what might have gone wrong until I convince myself that it did. As my rabbi mentor has said in the past, if I don’t feel I deserve things to be OK, then it won’t matter how many rabbis or books I consult, I won’t be able to accept things as they are.
