This is being written in short intervals between Pesach (Passover) preparation.
The staff development day at work yesterday was OK, but I would have enjoyed it more had it not been so close to Pesach, and had I not been tired and developing a migraine. The migraine got bad enough that by the time I got home, I went to bed and slept for an hour and a half, which was probably just as well as Pesach preparation went on late and I didn’t get to bed until after 1.00am.
I woke up this morning early enough to go to shul (synagogue) for the siyum that would mean I didn’t have to fast today for the fast of the firstborn (sorry, no time to explain, google if you need to), but I was so tired that I decided I would be better off sleeping and having energy for preparation and seder, as I can’t fast the minor fasts with the medication I’m on anyway. I had some Pesach OCD last night and today, but not as much as in recent years. I asked my rabbis a couple of questions, but I’m trying hard to sit with my anxiety, as I’m supposed to for exposure therapy, rather than ask the question and stoke the OCD flames.
Things have been better than they have been on erev Pesach for a number of years. From an OCD point of view, the worst is out of the way now; although sometimes questions can spring out of nowhere during Pesach, the preparation beforehand is definitely more anxiety-provoking. However, from a social anxiety point of view, I have to get through two sederim with people I don’t know well, if at all, and who I worry are going to be put off by my attempts to add ideas beyond the text of the hagadah and my ritual punctiliousness (even though I don’t make other people eat as much matzah and maror as I do). The depression has been OK the last few days, but I know that a serious lapse with OCD or social anxiety could send me spiraling back down again. But I am hopeful of getting through the next eight days in a reasonable state.
Chag sameach vekasher! (My rabbi mentor once put it that way round to me, to stress the joy over the ritual checking.)