The OCD thoughts chase each other. You resolve one and then another comes in its place. I thought I was over this, but I seem to have unravelled through the progress I made in the past year. Pesach (Passover) does that to me. I feel terrible for bothering my rabbi, I feel terrible for giving in to the OCD, but it’s compulsive (hence ‘obsessive compulsive disorder’). I just want Pesach to be over now. I suppose I was lucky to get through four or five days before I got to this state. (My rabbi just told me to listen to some relaxing music after I sent him a bizarre OCD question…)
Someone at Hevria commented on a post I wrote so long ago I had forgotten it, saying it was “well-written, courageous and honest”, that I am “Kind and sensitive” and should keep sharing my thoughts. I should feel happy, but I just feel embarrassed, like I’ve stolen the praise someone else deserves.
I feel bad for undervaluing my friendships. I talk all the time about wanting to be married and forget that I have friends who are there for me, like when my non-biological sister emailed me last night after seeing my last post. I suppose some of it is wanting to have a proper sexual/romantic relationship, but some of it is probably just fantasy, hoping things would be easier with a mythical ‘someone’ to care for me. No one should have to “care” for me, I should be able to care for myself. Another reason not to start dating again.
I suppose I do have legitimate sexual needs that can’t be catered for with other family/friend relationships. I can admit that. It’s harder to admit that I have emotional needs for intimacy that can’t be catered for with family or friends, because it feels like I’m blaming people for not being there for me. I’m not blaming anyone, just acknowledging that there are different types of relationship. But it’s hard. I want to be loved, I want to be held, I want to be forgiven (although I’m not sure of what). And I am, but not the way I need.
I am, more broadly, fed up of being a spectator of other people’s lives. I want a life of my own. But I don’t know how to get it and I’m scared of trying.
I feel I should send Hevria one of the posts sitting on my computer, to try and jump-start some creativity, but I’m scared of that too. I write too much and do too little.
I’m just trying to do my best, but even that is really hard at the moment.